Saturday, November 28, 2009

9 Iron or Pitching Wedge??

The world is fascinated with the story about Tiger Woods' 2:20 A.M. auto "accident". Mr. Woods suffered slight injuries in the "accident". He was treated and released at a local hospital. Reports are that his wife used a golf club to smash the rear windows and free Tiger from his Escalade.

I am not a professional automobile accident investigator and I don't play one on TV, but this story doesn't make sense.

According to police, his wife said that she was in the house and heard the crash. She used a golf club to smash BOTH REAR windows in the Escalade to free her husband. Maybe I am just a little overly skeptical, but I do have a few questions.

1. Did she see the accident and grab a golf club on the way outside so that she could "free" him? Why take a golf club?
2. Why did she have to "free" her husband from an upright SUV?
3. If she didn't take a club out the first time, then tried to "free" him and found the doors locked, she then had to go back to the house to get a golf club. Why not get the keys??
4. Why break out 2 back windows if her husband is in the front seat?
5. How did he get out of the car??
6. Does anyone with an IQ higher than room temperature believe this story?
7. If I am involved in an accident and the police come to my house to interview me, will they come back the next day if my wife tells them that I am sleeping? Why should a celebrity get preferential treatment from the police?

It is obvious to a blind man that this is a simple case of domestic violence. You have got to love the irony of him getting smacked with a golf club. Golfers everywhere want to know, what club did she use??

Monday, November 23, 2009

Kay Hagan vs. "The fetching Mrs. Loman"

I walked into the dining room at the restaurant this morning and damn near died. There was a group of eight seated and in the group was U.S. Senator Kay Hagan. In a rare show of control, I walked back to the office to decide what to do. I had already been advised by one customer to treat her just like I would treat the President if he walked into the restaurant. Frankly, I didn't think that telling her to go to the back door to pick up a bag of sandwiches was a good idea. So I ignored that suggestion.

I called my wife, my Scoutmaster Rick Loman, and my only friend Ken Blitchington, for their advice on this problem. I knew what I wanted to ask her, but I wasn't quite sure how to address her. Do I say Mrs. Hagan, Madame Senator, Senator Mrs. Hagan, or the old standby, Bitch. I'm only kidding, Kay.

I wanted to say something like, "Pardon me, but I thought that I might query you as to why you voted to support a bill that will destroy our economy, raise our taxes, lower the quality of medical care, and send unemployment skyrocketing?" If that wasn't good for her, I had my fallback question concerning her husband's activities that I discussed here last week. "Excuse me Senator, but what is your position on your husband suing the Water Authority because of alleged problems he is having with his decrepit hydroelectric power plant that I could piss a strong enough stream to operate? Also, how about that favorable ruling that he received from a state judge whom you had recommended for a federal judgeship a mere nine days earlier?"

In the end, I took my mother's advice,"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." It's only the second time in my life that I have taken that advice. I stayed in the back of the restaurant until the senator's party departed.

When I checked my e-mail this evening, there was a message from Scoutmaster Rick. He had emailed his wife about my dilemma concerning which question to ask Senator Hagan. If the situation occurs again, I'm taking the advice of "the fetching Mrs. Loman." Here's their emails.

Following is the text of what "The Fetching Mrs. Loman" had to say about possible responses when Sen. Hagan chooses to dine at your fine establishment in the future. Obviously she's better at these things than I am.

Personally, I would have liked to see the look on Kay Hagan's face when Gil walked up and asked her that question. But I think I would have lined up my staff in front of her and asked which of the employees should he fire since he's not going to be able to keep them all if health care gets passed. Or he could have doubled her bill and told her that's what her breakfast special is going to cost in the future when he has to increase cost to cover additional personnel expenses.

Thanks, Vickie. Next time, I will call you to start with.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I love stupid people- part 5

Today's local winner in the "I love stupid people" competition is the North Carolina Highway Patrol. A quick tip of the campaign hat goes to the squad of four dopey Smokies who decide to stage a license check at the exit ramp from US 29 to Highway 158 East and Highway 14 near Reidsville. As I tried to exit US 29 on my way home at 4:40 PM, I saw the familiar blue lights flashing ahead. It normally takes less than 30 seconds to get down the ramp to US 158. Today it was a 7 minute trip. When I reached the front of the line, I looked back and saw traffic backing up onto US 29. My wife called me a few minutes later. She had bypassed the exit and wanted to know if there was an accident. I explained the situation and told her there were no accidents, yet. She said that traffic was backed up about half a mile down US 29. If they are just trying to catch Mexicans without licenses, wouldn't it be easier and safer just to set up near the Wal-Mart?

The national winner is Eric Holder, US Attorney General. This moron is bringing terrorists to New York for trials. We don't have enough nuts here, we have to import more? Are you serious? The only way that this will get any support is if Holder agrees to set up the gallows to hang these bastards at the World Trade Center site.

I tried to pick a winner at the restaurant this week. Too many entries, too little time.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Weekend Wrap up

One of our younger employees asked someone today, "What's a phone book?" I feel older and much smarter now.

The government that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have the support of Paul.

Someday I am going to do a formal study on why the biggest assholes among our customers have just come from church on Sunday. Several years ago, a customer complained about some minor problem. When he finished, he asked, "What do you think?" I responded, "I don't think that you paid attention at church today." As he departed in a huff, he made some un-Christian remark. I just laughed and went to listen to the next guy who had slept through the sermon. Attention hypocrites: Your testimony has more meaning if you aren't an asshole to those serving you lunch.

What two words cannot be understood by many drivers? "NO PARKING". At the Harris Teeter on Pisgah Church Road, they have tried everything but land mines to keep people from parking in the fire lane at the front of the store. I told the manager that they were wasting their time with morons. It's time for the police and the fire marshall to start towing and impounding cars. I can't decide if:
1. The morons don't understand "NO".
2. The morons don't understand "Parking".
3. "Tow away zone" is more words than they can read.
4. The moron view is "I'll just tell them that I don't speak English".
5. The moron view is that "Those rules be discriminating against me."

The reality is that they are all just too frigging lazy to walk. Putting those Red Box DVD rental machines near the front doors was liking putting shit down in front of flies. They just have to park less than 10 steps away from them. I am thinking that a few landmines might be the way to go.

Interesting story in the Greensboro News & Record today. A group of owners of small hydroelectric power plants on the Deep River are suing the Piedmont Triad Regional Water Authority for building a dam that they think will reduce the value of their old, decrepit, barely working or not working facilities. As this dam has been under consideration for more than 50 years, there is no word as to why they didn't sue earlier. They have already received a favorable ruling from a state judge. One owner, Chip Hagan, attorney and husband of U.S. Senator Kay Hagan, has a plant that can produce a whopping 650 KW. By pure coincidence, his wife recommended the state judge for a federal judgeship just nine days before he ruled in favor of her husband. Say it ain't so!!!!! She withdrew the judge's nomination after a call from the News & Record. She denies knowing that the judge was hearing her husband's case.

In case you missed my comment last year, Kay Hagan reminds me of Goober Pyle doing a bad impersonation of Bette Midler. I will withhold comment about Senator Hagan's actions until the crook runs for re-election.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

How Low Will He Go???

The Obama Lama kicked off his "How Low Will He Go?" world tour today in Japan. The man that some in the press refer to as the "Pacific President" greeted the Emperor of Japan with either a deep bow or an attempt to polish the Emperor's new shoes.

Given the controversy a few months ago concerning his bow, stumble, trip, back spasm, or whatever you believe to the King of Saudi Arabia, you would think that he would not repeat that mistake. The Obama Lama, described by his legion of fans in the media as "cerebral", is apparently a slow learner. Those in the media should look up "cerebral" in the dictionary. Rather than explain "dictionary" to those folks, just tell them to Google the word.

The Obama Lama was given the moniker "Pacific President" by those in the media who believe that he was born in Hawaii and grew up in Indonesia. Do not count the newly unemployed Lou Dobbs in that group. Feel free to ignore the fact that Indonesia is the most populous Islamic nation in the world with 88% of the population being Muslims. I am sure that the Obama Lama was not influenced by that environment. I am also sure that living all my life in the South has had no effect on my perspectives.

There is actually a simple explanation for all of this bowing. The Obama Lama is not bowing. He is actually bending over to moon the reporters. He just keeps forgetting to drop his pants. Then again, maybe he's just waiting for Michelle to tell him that it is okay to drop his pants.

Friday, November 13, 2009

ACORN is just nuts!!

ACORN has filed a lawsuit claiming that Congress violated the Constitution when it eliminated their funding. According to their lawsuit, it is unconstitutional for the Congress to single out one group for a funding cut.

The ACORN nuts are represented by the Center for Constitutional Rights. The Center was founded in 1966 by a group of radical lawyers. All I needed to see was that one of the founders was William Kunstler.

Has anyone in ACORN or their attorneys even read the Constitution?? They are dead wrong. It is not unconstitutional to eliminate their funding.

Among those of us who have read the Constitution and believe in it, the response to the ACORN claim is simple. It is actually unconstitutional for the Congress to fund that group. The Congress started moving away from the Constitution 200 years ago. Their accomplices, the Presidents and the Supreme Court, have also moved away from the Constitution.

Over the years the federal government has strayed away from our founding principles at the speed of light, sometimes faster. Their actions have resulted in the mess that we face today. The state governments have also ignored our founding principles.

Let's go back to the ideas that our Founding Fathers laid out and see how that will work. We can start by requiring that all elected officials have read the Constitution and can demonstrate their understanding of it. No need to pass a law, just start asking questions at town hall meetings and other places where candidates appear begging for votes. Don't vote for those who can't answer those questions.

The idea advocated by those who want to fund all this crap that is outside of the Constitution is that the Constitution is a "living, breathing document". This is "living, breathing" bullshit. If the Constitution needs changing, it has a process for it. Read it!

We are broke today because we are taxing and overtaxing our citizens to fund things that the government should not be funding. We don't need to look any further than the states of California and New York to see where the road to socialism leads, bankruptcy. It is time for voters to start another American Revolution and hold our elected officials responsible for their actions.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Let's add 220 to the unemployed!!

The 220 members of the House of Representatives who voted for the "Health Care Reform" bill should all be removed from office in the next election. These folks all voted to mandate that you buy insurance or go to jail. That's the real "public option" that the Democrats support. The House voted on this measure late on Saturday night. You have to figure that if the House is in session on Saturday, there's nothing good happening.

The same government that wants to give terrorists at Guantanamo Bay flu shots wants to run health care. There isn't enough of the vaccine available for me to get a flu shot, but the prisoners can get it. Go figure!!

The same government that didn't realize that one of their own Army doctors was crazy wants to pick a doctor for me. No thanks, guys!

If they can save all this money on Medicare, a simple question begs asking. Why haven't they done it before??

I realize that there are no real business people in the House but, don't they understand that if you tax insurance companies to pay for this, they are just going to raise their rates to cover the extra taxes??

Did anyone in the House actually read the entire bill? We need to make all members pass a written test on the bill before voting on the final passage of the bill.

Did anyone in the House even glance at the Senate bill before voting? There are very few similarities between the two. Assuming that the Senate bill will even get to a vote, the conference to reconcile the two bills will be a bitch.

Will all members of Congress be subject to the same health care as the rest of us??

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Halloween? Bah, humbug!!

Halloween was Saturday and we survived another stupid holiday.

What is it we celebrate on Halloween anyway? Is it the end of the pumpkin harvest season?? Is it the revenge of the Salem witch trials crowd?? Is it Linus waiting in the field for the Great Pumpkin?? Is the chance to set a bag of dog shit on fire at some one's door?

How has Halloween become such a big deal? I don't know. If you have thoughts on this, don't bother contacting me, I'm not really that interested.

Years ago in Florida, I worked for a company run by a group of gay guys. Halloween was like a national holiday for those guys. They spent weeks before Halloween planning for the big day and then weeks afterwards discussing it. I don't know what they did and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know. Suffice it to say, they didn't bring bags of candy to work.

I think that we may be able to trace the beginnings of the welfare system to Halloween. We send our kids out begging for candy door-to-door. Why work? Let's just ask the neighbors to feed the little bastards for us.

I guess that the scariest thing is that Halloween has become more of an adult holiday and has left the kids behind. There was a "Halloween and More" store near the restaurant that was open for several weeks before the big day. I didn't see many kids going in there. Yes, in the midst of a recession, folks are squandering money on Halloween costumes.

Rather than have you think that I am a complete Scrooge, let's look at the bright side of Halloween. Gays can dress up as whatever they desire, kids are on a sugar high and filled with energy, costume shops benefit financially, some schmuck who has based his entire business on Halloween can make a living, candy sales boost the economy, and pumpkin farmers can plant again for next year.

There are a couple of positives for Halloween. First, candy is really cheap the day after Halloween. Second, I saw a couple of women in sexy witch costumes that didn't look anything like the girls who dressed up as witches years ago. WOW!!

I will close with a totally tasteless Halloween joke. Why do witches shave their pubic hair? To get a better grip on their brooms.