Saturday, August 25, 2007

Saturday Gripes, Groans, and Moans

Going down Wendover Avenue the other day, I was alongside a North Carolina State Trooper. He had a Pepsi in one hand and his cellphone in the other. I don't even want to guess how he was steering the car. To think that they worry about the rest of us talking while driving.

Michael Vick plans to plead guilty on Monday. I cannot find where he visited my blog BUT, thanks for taking my advice, Mike. He should be sentenced to several years shoveling shit at an animal shelter.

Atlanta is trying to outlaw "sagging" pants. Given the demographics of the city, I think that they are swimming upstream on this one. I don't understand why people wear pants that are hanging at mid-thigh. Here are a few good rules of thumb to determine sagging:
1. If someone says, "I didn't know you wore a 36", you are sagging AND your underwear are inside out.
2. Someone says " You ought to see a doctor about that hemorrhoid." You're sagging AND you forgot to put on your boxers.
3. If you can take a dump without pulling down your pants, you are sagging. Don't forget to move your boxers before taking the aforementioned dump.

In reference to "sagging", these guys wear their pants so low that they have had to re-invent walking. Yes, walking! Most people walk by putting one foot in front of the other. Not so with "saggers". They have to swing their legs out in a semi-circular motion in order to keep their pants from interfering with walking. The good news is that "saggers" find it difficult to outrun the police.

As long as I'm griping about fashion, how about caps? Why do so many idiots wear their caps backwards? The purpose of the bill of the cap is to keep the sun or rain out of your face or eyes. Attention Dumbasses! The bill can't accomplish its purpose if it is backward or sideways. Want to make a fashion statement? Wear your hat correctly. For the ultimate in fashion statements, wear it correctly and remove it when you are inside a building. It rarely rains inside. Someone please get the word to Dale Earnhardt Jr. about the whole cap thing.

Attention men and women!! It is called UNDERWEAR. That means it gets worn UNDER your clothes. Frankly, the rest of us are getting tired of seeing your boxer shorts and bras at the grocery store. Save it for your loved ones.

If the people in Atlanta want to influence fashion, how about banning fat folks from wearing spandex? While they are at it, how about banning bicycle shorts? My ass aches at the thought of those things.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I can't believe that!!!

From the Daily Press in Hampton, Virginia comes news that Michael Vick may plead guilty in a plea bargain agreement. It also appears that his co-defendants will be in court this week to change their pleas to guilty. Vick's attorneys are unwilling to comment, of course. Meanwhile, sales of Michael Vick chew toys are soaring.

A headline in the paper a couple weeks ago announced that disability claims for Social Security are at record high levels. Not mentioned, but painfully obvious is the fact that the number of lawyers is at a record high number. Could there be a connection? DUH!!! See cheeseburger story below.

Karl Rove is leaving the Bush White House at the end of the month. I had hoped to get the job but no one has called yet. Let's face it. If I get the job, they are just swapping one smart, sarcastic, fat, bald white guy for another. Who will notice??

Another pro wrestler died the other day. No need for Barry Bonds to worry, I am sure it's not steroid related. There has never been any evidence of wrestlers using steroids. If you believe the preceding sentence, call me immediately, I have a bridge waiting for your purchase.

The District of Columbia administrative law judge who sued a dry cleaner for $54 million for losing his pants has filed an appeal after losing his lawsuit. Must have been one hell of a pair of pants. Why is this idiot still on the public payroll??

This one is too bizarre to make up. An inmate in a federal prison in South Carolina has filed suit against Michael Vick for $63 BILLION. He claims that Vick stole two pit bulls from him and sold them on eBay and used the profits to buy missiles from Iran. He wants the $63 billion (backed by gold and silver) delivered to the prison. I am having Iran-Contra flashbacks!

A man in West Virginia is suing McDonalds for $10 million for serving him a Quarter Pounder with cheese after he told them about an allergy to cheese. He then went home and ate the sandwich in a darkened room while watching a movie. He must have had his eyes closed if he could not see that electric yellow color of Mickey D's cheese. He claims that his reaction was almost fatal. McDonalds offered to cover his $700 in medical bills, he declined. I hate to criticize anyone BUT, I cut my thumb a few years ago and the ER bill was more than $500. A $700 hospital bill is not reflective of a near death experience, even in West Virginia. Other than greedy lawyers, what is there in a $700 hospital experience and a $1 cheeseburger that is worth $10 million? America, the litigation nation.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Monday Memos

To the FCC:
KUNT-TV in Hawaii is starting a consumer advocate segment on the KUNT Action News at 6:00. It is tentatively called KUNT on your side. It DOES NOT involve Janet Jackson's breasts. Check it out anyway.

To "Rock" on Hell's Kitchen:
The finale is here, you're screwed. You either gain fame as the chef who beat the nanny, or the chef who lost to the nanny. Pack it in!

To FOX and the producers of Hell's Kitchen:
Sorry, boys. Chef Ramsay needs work on his profanity. Take it from an expert, he lacks creativity. Anyone can drop the F-bomb 60 times in 50 minutes, how about a little variety? As badly as that group of alleged chefs have screwed up, the profanity potential is almost unlimited.

To American Voters:
Twenty years of Bush or Clinton, let's give another family a chance. 300 million people and this is all we have to pick from for leaders?

To Major League Baseball:
It's amazing, you can't drug a racehorse in the Kentucky Derby, but outfielders in the World Series are OK. You guys are on the same credibility level as pro wrestling.

To the NFL (National Felons League):
The exhibition season is in full swing. The bail bondsmen are on standby, attorneys are on retainer, and spokesmen are ready to deny all. The only big question left is, does Vick get convicted before or after the playoffs?

I don't even know where to start. Love triangles, drunk shuttle driving, love triangles and diapers, sabotage, and tiles. How long before you guys figure out this whole shuttle tile story? Would you get on a passenger jet with the safety record of the space shuttle? You guys have blown the greatest heritage in aviation.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Confessions of a Global Warming Naysayer

The cover story of the latest issue of Newsweek is "Global Warming is a Hoax.*" "* or so claim well-funded naysayers who still reject the overwhelming evidence of climate change. Inside the denial machine." The author, Sharon Begley, uses nine pages to ridicule anyone who disagrees with the "global warming" herd. She ends the article with "It's enough to make you wish that climate change were a hoax, rather than the reality it is."

Apparently, they have changed the magazine from "Newsweek' to "Opinion Week" and have forgotten to change the title on the cover.

The article irritated me so badly that I am not sure where to start. Early in the article, we are told that while only a third of Americans buy the idea that greenhouse gases are causing all of our problems, a majority in Europe and Japan believe that to be true. Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass what they think in Europe and Japan. They still Americans are crazy because we bathe more than once a week.

She blames most of our problems in accepting global warming as being caused by those ignorant and rich Republicans. Over and over, she points out that the majority of scientists and Democrats KNOW that global warming is fact. Ms. Begley is obviously a writer and neither a scientist nor an historian.

I haven't spent as much time as Ms. Begley studying "global warming", but I do have a few thoughts to offer.

First, if I am sitting at home in the winter in front of a fire, and I start getting cold or hot, how do I react? The first thing that I do is check the fire, I don't automatically assume that my farting is causing the room to warm or cool. This is a similar situation to the earth being warmed by the sun but I haven't heard a lot of discussion about what's happening on the sun, have you?

The idea that "global warming" is fact because the majority of scientists believe that it is fact also lacks merit. Many years ago, the majority believed that the sun revolved around the earth and that the earth was the center of the universe. Today, we know that the naysayers were right on this one. At one time, a majority believed that the earth was flat and maps had things like "Beyond here, there be dragons" written on them. The naysayers were right on this one also. In short, facts are not dependent upon whether a majority believes them to be true.

I keep hearing things like "hottest month on record". How long have we been keeping records? Ms. Begley writes "The frequency of Atlantic hurricanes doubled in the last century." That's great info, incomplete, but great. What was the rate ten centuries ago, five centuries ago? What is the rate for Pacific hurricanes? What was the Pacific rate ten centuries ago??

We read about deforestation, but what about all the trees planted everyday? What about all the trees saved by fighting forest fires rather than just letting them burn themselves out?

The Chinese are planning to manipulate the weather for the Olympics. Do you think that they are the first government to try that? That's right, our government would NEVER do anything without telling us. If you believe the preceding sentence, contact me immediately to purchase the real estate of your dreams.

Ms. Begley writes about Antarctica and Alaska melting, what about places like Greenland? Why is it called Greenland anyway? Did the Vikings call it Greenland because it was cold and covered with snow and ice? Has the climate there changed since the Vikings first visited? Or were the Vikings just masters of sarcasm? There is no truth to rumors that I had Viking ancestors.

Al Gore wants you to see his movie about "global warming" and what we need to do. To see the movie, we have to get into our gas guzzlers and drive to the theater. We sit there in air-conditioned comfort, buy over-priced soft drinks and popcorn, and leave trash on the theater floor. What's the "carbon footprint" on all of that? Consider the electricity to cool the theater, gas to run the car, the production of corn for popcorn and corn syrup (to sweeten the soft drinks), the importation of the theater seats from China, the exploitation of child labor to work at the theater, etc. Why doesn't Al Gore practice what he preaches?

If the "global warming" guys want me to believe, convince me with facts. Allow a discussion! Instead, it's the same old story. You either see it their way or you are a psychopath. It's sort of like the abortion controversy. You can either accept that millions of abortions are fine or you are labeled as a hate-monger, depriving people of their rights. In America, we have lost the right to disagree without being labeled as a lunatic (blog name not withstanding). You can either buy into "global warming" or be ridiculed by Democrats and Europeans. Which brings us full circle to my first point, I don't give a rat's ass about what either of those groups think!!

That's my current events tirade for the week. I would be happy if Newsweek put a simple warning on the cover, "Beyond here, there be dragons."