Tuesday, July 31, 2012

TV Tuesday

The man who described television as a "vast wasteland" had a gift for understatement.

Have you watched "Swamp People" on of all places, the History Channel? My wife loves the show. Her  family moved to Louisiana more than 25 years ago. I think that she watches in the hope of seeing a relative or friend. Evidently "Swamp People" is very popular. I see people wearing "Swamp People" T-shirts. I just don't understand why it's on the History Channel. All joking aside, the History Channel needs to consider a name change. This network is also home to such "historical" shows as Pawn Stars, Ice Road Truckers, American Pickers, Cajun Pawn Stars and Picked Off. That sound you hear is me gagging.

Over on the Animal Planet channel is "Call of the Wildman". This makes "Swamp People" look like Shakespeare. The star of the show is Turtleman. I'm not making this up. His name is Ernie Brown and he appears to have just enough teeth to work the midnight shift at the Waffle House. Watch this show at your own risk.

My wife laughs at me because I like to watch "NASCAR Race Hub". It's on the Speed Channel, which at least makes sense. She also hates the brightly colored shirts that the host wears. One evening she pointed out that both the host and I were wearing the same pink shirt. I am sure that in a few more years she will get over the pink shirt thing. Maybe?

The Hallmark Channel is the home to every "chick flick" ever made. The good news is that in the late evening they show "Frasier".  Frasier and Niles have got to be the two gayest characters on television.

There's a show about an auto parts dealer in the South Bronx called "Hard Parts", I think. A friend suggested that the star is simply the New York version of myself. I watched it once, maybe he's right.

The good news for me is that my wife gave up watching "Toddlers and Tiaras". Yes, it's about little girls and beauty pageants. The whole thing is kind of sick! Besides, everyone knows that women grow more beautiful with age.

So we have the Dish Network 250 channel package and at 5:00 A.M. , there's still nothing to watch except infomercials and the weather. Go back to paragraph one and read it again.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Monday Morning Moanings

I was at Bojangles in Reidsville one day last week for lunch. I ordered the two piece dinner. The cashier responded with "What your side be?" The proper response is:
A. My side be Cajun rice.
B. How does one properly conjugate the verb be? Is it I be, he be, we be?
C. It doesn't matter. you are going to screw it up anyway.
If you guessed D, you are correct. If you also surmised that she asked everyone else the same question the entire time that I was there, you are also correct.

Rod Stewart is appearing in Greensboro on Wednesday night. Yes, he's still alive. There's a rumor that The Queen will be there.  If it isn't a sellout crowd, it will be because they didn't offer the AARP discount! About forty years ago, a young lady I dated, Sandi,  liked Rod Stewart more than she liked me. The only two Stewart songs that I recall are "Maggie May" and "Reason to Believe".

The above reference to Sandi  brought a smile to my face. How does a guy know when it's over with a woman? In my case, I called Sandi one morning and said, "Hey! How about going to lunch and a movie this afternoon?" She responded, "I don't know. I would have to shower and everything." Me, "OOOKAAYY!!" A simple NO would have sufficed, thank you. Yes, that was our last conversation.

How about the Olympics? (Insert huge yawn here) I saw the opening ceremony highlights featuring Queen Elizabeth struggling to stay awake. Bad news Liz, that's usually the best part of the whole thing. Well, that and the closing ceremony.

Someone online the other day pointed out that the ancient Greeks in their Olympics performed in the nude. Just a reminder that there are some things that I just don't want to see.

My final Olympic note is one that you won't find on the front page of almost any paper. Kimberly Rhode won a gold medal in her fifth straight Olympics. A gold medal in five straight Olympics? Has any other American ever done that? No. You won't hear about it because she is a skeet shooter. The media and shotguns don't mix.

We went out for dinner on Saturday. We started with the Longhorn in Greensboro. They had a thirty minute wait. As I looked around and saw several empty tables, I realized that there were more issues than the number of guests. We ate at Phoenix, which was busier than the Longhorn, but had no waiting line. Just a reminder for Mr. Patience to eat at home on Saturday evening.

Time to start another exciting week!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Weekend Wrapup

Yes, I know that I haven't posted in a while. This may stun you, but I have been busy. It's tough being without a real job. I have no reason to avoid doing other things if I'm not working.

This weekend I was in Charlotte for a gun show. I went there to sell a few things, I didn't have any firearms on my list of needs. Gun shows are always interesting experiences. So I will share a few thoughts with you about my trip to Charlotte, the Queen City. That nickname comes from Charlotte being named after Queen Charlotte, not my friend The Queen.

The gun show was at the Merchandise Mart on Independence Boulevard. It is now The Park Expo, but it's still known locally as the Merchandise Mart. It's next door to the Bojangles Coliseum. Bo's purchased the naming rights a few years ago. It is the original Charlotte Coliseum, having  opened in 1955. They built a new one out near the airport in the 1980's for the Charlotte Hornets. Then they built a new arena, the Time Warner,  for basketball downtown a few years ago and demolished the newer Coliseum. They still owed money on it at the time. City planning??  The original Coliseum continues to operate.

The show was run by C & E Gun Shows, but judging by the crowd, it could have been a P.T. Barnum production. Saturday's theme was obviously Bearded Fat Guy Day. While I am not a petite, I felt like a dwarf standing near some of those guys. There's such a "crack" problem with that crowd, I wish that they would just leave stuff on the floor when they drop it.

As TV shows like Pawn Stars and American Pickers proliferate, I get more idiots who don't understand negotiating. Take a class, guys!! I had an item on my table marked at $200. Some moron picked it up and said, "I'll give you $50." I took it from his hands and said, "I could have stayed home and given it away. I drove 120 miles and rented space here to SELL things. I would give it to the Salvation Army before I would sell it to you for $50." He scratched his beard, rubbed his enormous belly and walked away.

Sunday was Women with Tattoos Day. I love to look at beautiful women. Having said that, I don't think that beautiful women have tattoos. The ones that I saw on Sunday were not little indiscreet tattoos, they were like comic book pages. I hate to stare, but I just couldn't read that fast.

Shorts? As I said, I love to look at beautiful women. Girls, write this down. Shorts are not for everyone. If your butt is bigger than mine, throw your shorts away! While I  appreciate the beauty of a voluptuous woman, the gun show isn't the place for that display. I would rather see them naked than busting out the seams of a pair of Daisy Dukes. Only Betsy Clark ever looked good in those.

Guys and girls with bellies as large or larger than mine need to donate those skin tight shirts to Goodwill. Love handles, muffin tops? I don't care what you call them, just don't come by my table with them.

The concession stand at the show featured a soft drink stand where you could buy a cup and get refills all day for one price. That price was $13 !!  Just when you start to lose hope, you realize that there really is one born every minute. You can't drink enough soda in one day to get your money's worth out of that. Let's face it, a two liter bottle sells for less than two dollars. I couldn't drink enough in my pre-diabetes days to justify that. Yet scores of people were walking around clutching those cups. What do I know?

Speaking of suckers, the venue was charging $50 for Wi-Fi access at the show. FIFTY DOLLARS, are you serious? Yes. I actually considered paying the fifty bucks and  selling the code to everyone else for $10. I decided that it wasn't worth the effort.  At that point, I wasn't aware of the soda scam and didn't realize that so many were waiting to be fleeced.

The Park Expo is on the east side of Charlotte. It appears to be near the city limits of Guadalajara. The only things on that side of town in English are the street signs. The only mainstream businesses left on Independence Boulevard in that area are the car dealers. All of the other businesses are tattoo parlors, pawn shops, night clubs, strip joints, Mexican grocers and mattress stores. You are left to draw your own conclusions.

Looking forward to the show there in November!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Do you know this man??

On Sunday, July 1 we had our patriotic program at Buffalo Presbyterian Church. I was asked to do a speaking part in the program. My choices were to recite the Preamble to the Constitution or a portion of the Gettysburg Address. As a Southerner, that choice was a no-brainer. I took the Preamble.

The Preamble was easy. I had to learn it for a school play in the second grade and have known it since. If you are trying to do the math, that's more than 50 years. I attended one rehearsal just to find out when I was supposed to speak and then waited for Sunday. Buffalo has some colonial costumes available, but mine just didn't fit well. So my son William took a cassock and turned it into my coat. I have some military surplus pants and other items from the Colonial Fife and Drum Corps in Washington, D.C. So the pants were modified into knickers and I had a wig that fit my pumpkin-like head. I could not find my tri-cornered hat until the day after the performance, but I'll save it for Christmas or whenever I need to go 18th century again.

I haven't had hair on the top of my head in more than thirty years, so it was a new experience. It was an interesting morning. I had people at church who did not recognize me. After lunch at church I stopped by Tex & Shirley's. Jeff was on the phone when I walked in. He looked up and said "Ben Franklin just walked in." There were several employees who did not recognize me either. Note to self: Use this wig to commit any crimes that are on my to-do list. HA!!!!

Thursday, July 05, 2012


Andy Griffith died the other day. I'm surprised that we haven't had a national day of mourning proclaimed. I am  underwhelmed by many of the comments about him.

Let's make a reality check. Andy Griffith played Andy Taylor on television. Here's a news flash for what appears to be most of the nation. Andy Taylor was a fictional character. That means that Andy Griffith was not exactly like Andy Taylor.

Andy Griffith supported Bev Perdue in her campaign  for the governor's office in North Carolina. Andy Griffith supported Obama for President. Andy Griffith supported Obamacare and even made a commercial about Medicare and Obamacare. How many of these do you think that Andy Taylor would have supported?

If Griffith is Catholic, he's on the way to sainthood. Apparently, he has done everything except cure cancer. Do you think that there's a chance that we have put him on a pedestal?

People are writing tributes to St. Andy about how he changed their lives. It was a ##@@**## television show for God's sake. Get a life!!