Monday, December 25, 2006

This just in!!

Famed wife beater and drug abuser James Brown assumed room temperature early this morning. The news report on television claims that Brown was an influence on many singers such as Prince and Michael Jackson. Now we know who is to blame.

Liar Mike Nifong, Durham County DA, has dropped the rape charges against three lacrosse players from Duke University. Last week's news that Mr. Nifong had withheld information from DNA tests for the past seven months is said to be the cause for dropping the charges. Apparently Mr. Nifong has lied repeatedly to the judge in the case, as well as anyone else who has asked him a question. Mr. Nifong thought that DNA tests that found the DNA of the accuser's boyfriend, as well as several other men (none of whom were Duke lacrosse players) on her body or in her underwear not to be worthy of mention. More on Liar Mike on another day!

Two people were shot at Four Seasons Mall in Greensboro Saturday evening. Police were able to easily catch the shooter. After shooting a man, the shooter shot himself in the leg putting his gun away. The shooter is now out of the hospital and in jail unable to post the one million dollar bond.

On the way to work on Saturday, I stopped at a local store where the weather had driven the BS group inside. They were discussing capital punishment when one old guy broke it down for everyone to grasp. "Why screw with lethal injections? Who cares if killers suffer? Hell, all we need is an oak tree and a piece of rope."

Merry Christmas!!!

One of these guys is me!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I love stupid people- The restaurant version

Two weeks ago, a busboy called in sick for his 7:30 AM shift. That afternoon around 5:30, I looked out into the dining room and saw him in line at the cash register. I walked out and asked him, "Didn't you call in sick today?". "Yes, but I am here with my mother for dinner. I am feeling better." I guess nothing heals quicker than Mom offering to buy dinner! Note to idiots everywhere- Stay AWAY from your job after calling in sick for that day.

A group of nine people came in on Wednesday evening (our busiest night) and asked for a table. "We have some things to discuss and we would like to sit where no one can hear us." Looking for privacy, they came to a busy family restaurant. Here's your sign! I seated them after explaining the privacy they sought did not exist.

Sunday morning with thirty to forty people waiting in line to be seated, a couple walks in the door. The man comes up to me and asks, "Is there a wait?". In an incredible show of self restraint, I simply responded "Yes" and headed back to the kitchen to laugh.

I walked into the office and found a cook sitting in my chair talking on the telephone. I suggested that he get off the phone and out of my chair. After hanging up, he said "I was just calling to have them bring me some cigarettes." Stunned by his level of stupidity, I explained my anger to him. "Let's see, you are in my chair, on the phone and you think that telling me that all you were doing was calling for cigarettes will make it better. It's a non smoking restaurant, dumbass. You aren't supposed to smoke while at work!!"

We had a bunch of long distance calls on our phone bill. I tracked them down to one of our hostesses. When I confronted her about them, she responded "I didn't know that they were long distance." Let's see, it's 120 miles away, you have to dial 1 and the area code first, sounds like long distance to me. I had a few other employees that were making long distance calls and all responded with the same answer "I didn't know that it was long distance." Any idea that people just don't understand the long distance concept is negated by the fact that each of these employees carries a cell phone but made their calls from our phone. I'm guessing that they do understand long distance.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Civil War in Iraq, Why not??

The Iraq situation seems to be the lead story everywhere in the news lately. Everyone seems to be concerned about "civil war" erupting in Iraq. What's the big deal?? By now, most who know me are wondering, "Are you crazy?". The answer is "Yes, more than likely". But it doesn't make any difference. Let's track it down.

We are trying to export American democracy to Iraq. What is the defining moment in the history of democracy in America? It is not the establishment of the republic after tossing King George and the redcoats out. The government as we know it today was caused by the American Civil War or the War Between the States, depending on your point of view. The American Civil War ended the idea that we were a union of states and created the monster that is the federal government today. How do we export this to Iraq? It's a no brainer, we let them fight their own civil war. Hey, it sure worked here.

How do we do this? Pull back all American troops to defensive positions and let the opposing Iraqi groups go at it. When they finish killing each other in the name of Allah and the Koran, (you have to love that "Religion of Peace"), we just clean up and help the winners. Let's be honest, what's the down side to letting a bunch of fanatical Muslims kill each other? I thought about it all day and couldn't come up with one.

Get George W on the phone and give him this one free!!

Sunday, December 10, 2006

I can't take anymore!

WARNING- The following essay is critical of pop singer and celebrity-slut Britney Spears. If your existence is based on the happenings in Ms. Spears life, do not go any further. Stop and go take your own life immediately.

For the past few weeks it has been impossible to turn on the television, read a magazine or newspaper, or go online without seeing something about Ms. Spears exposing herself again and again. Why does she keep doing this? A few possible explanations-
1. I think that she is from Louisiana. Maybe that's how women in Louisiana announce their availability after separating from their husbands. "Momma, can you watch the kids while I go down to the bar and expose myself? Go ahead and wash my one pair of underwear, I won't need them."
2. She's trying to get an underwear endorsement deal from Victoria's Secret. I can hear the advertising guys from Victoria's Secret talking now. "We have to get her to cover that thing. I can't keep my lunch down."
3. Like other singers, she slept through English or just cut class everyday. Britney, the word is PUBIC not PUBLIC!! It is your PUBIC area, not your public area.

Having seen the pictures of the now famous crotch of the celebrity slut Ms. Spears, a few thoughts of my own-
1. Like most other teenaged boys growing up in the '60's, I never thought that I would see an ugly one. Wrong again!
2. Ms. Spears, if your career path is based on exposing yourself and having people enjoy it, you need to see either a plastic surgeon (with a high tolerance for suffering) or a career counselor.
3. Britney, please don't expose yourself on a windy day, someone could get hurt with all the flapping.
4. Maybe these are "Before" photos for her upcoming Genitalia Jewelry collection to be sold on the Home Shopping Network.

Last, but certainly not least, every picture I see of that overexposed area reminds me of the old World War 2 poster, "Loose lips sink ships!"

Please keep that thing covered!!!