Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Is Delaware a Southern State?

I guess Joe Biden is going after the Southern voters routinely stereotyped by the national media.

The famed plagiarist senator from Delaware has put his foot in his mouth up to his knee. In an interview, he spoke of Barack Obama and his presidential bid. According to Mr. Biden, "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." NAACP members are invited to contact Mr. Biden at his Senate office. I should point out that Mr. Biden is widely regarded as a liberal and not one of those redneck, right-wing, reactionaries normally blamed for such thoughts.

Super Bowl Thoughts

The Super Bowl is this Sunday, as if I care. The avalanche of hype that accompanies this game is next to any session of Congress, the largest waste of time and resources in history.

Dallas Cowboys running back Duane Thomas said it best years ago, "If it's the ultimate game, why are they playing it again next year?"

They have banned tailgating within a one mile radius of the stadium where the Super Bore will be played in Miami this year. As with everything else in this age, it is due to "security reasons". There is evidently a security risk in not purchasing ridiculously priced food being sold at an over-priced football game.

The Super Bowl is a place where semi-literate millionaires meet to taunt each other, jump up and down in unison, bump chests, slap each other on the butt, and perform dance routines after doing their jobs. And that's the clowns on the field. Those in the stands and the millions watching on TV around the world prove that Barnum was only partially correct. With the population explosion, there is MORE than one sucker born every minute.

The post game interviews are always the highlights of any sports production. To accentuate the intellectual quality of these interviews, the producers should bleep the phrase "you know" every time that it is used by a player. Answers to asinine questions from jocks-turned-reporters would go something like this, "BLEEP Billy, we just came here, BLEEP to show the world, BLEEP, that BLEEP we could get the job BLEEP done today.BLEEP" Tracking "you know" could become a new Super Bowl statistic.

Why do they call the winners of the Super Bowl "World Champions"? All of the entrants are from the NFL in the United States. Do you think anyone in Slovenia really cares? Is anyone in Iran watching?

The NFL passed on my idea for a Super Bowl commercial. I suggested a remake of the famous Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake halftime show. In my suggestion, after he rips her top away, instead of exposing her breast, the camera cuts to Timberlake who has a milk mustache as the screen flashes "Got Milk?".

Monday, January 29, 2007

In to win???

When the freshman senator from New York, the famed carpetbagger Hillary Clinton spoke these words, she wasn't talking about the war in Iraq or any war against terrorism. She was speaking of her campaign to be the next President. Her comments about the war were more revealing. Hillary believes that we need to begin a "phased redeployment". That is "retreat" in lawyer/politician/liar speech.

If only the lawyer Lincoln could have coined such a phrase to describe the Union Army's sprint, make that mad dash, back to the safety of Washington after the First Battle of Manassas. Does every "phased redeployment" include racing past the civilians who were spectators at the battle?? But it's not like that was the only "phased redeployment" in our history.

How about Horatio Gates at the Battle of Camden? After his army was routed, Gates was quickly on his horse beginning a "phased redeployment". He didn't stop redeploying until he was safe in Charlotte late that night. A 65 mile redeployment with such limited planning should have been worthy of praise. But apparently, George Washington, did not find Gates' redeployment tactics suitable for use. He replaced Gates with Greene a few months later.

There are those who believe that George Custer was in the process of a "phased redeployment" when Golden Hair at last ran out of luck. Stories that John Mosby sent the Sioux Christmas gifts are unconfirmed.

Is is obvious that Hillary must have learned this phrase from her husband, the famed wordsmith who once said, "It depends on what the meaning of is is." It is true that Mr. Clinton was so good with confusing words that Gennifer Flowers once described him as a cunning linguist or something close to that.

"Phased redeployment" or "retreat". It doesn't matter. Ignore the messenger. Just say no to Hillary!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

A Congress of Cowards

This is an open letter to Brad Miller, Howard Coble, John Warner, Chuck Hagel, Nancy Pelosi, and all the other cowards living in Washington on my money.

I have heard all that I can stand from these people about the war in Iraq. It's time for leaders to LEAD. These folks aren't leading, they are reacting to poll numbers. Yes, poll numbers. The process where a few thousand people are interviewed and the numbers are extrapolated in an attempt to reflect the thoughts of 300 million Americans. I don't believe that polls work. Jesse Helms rarely led in the polls, never lost an election. Go figure!

I keep hearing that Americans don't want their sons and daughters to die in Iraq. I can agree with that but it is an incomplete discussion. Do you want them to die sitting at their desks in a building when a hijacked jet slams into it? Do they want their sons' throats slashed by hijackers? Do they want their sons to die as a hijacked plane crashes to earth? Do they want their children to die as they sleep in a barracks blown up by terrorists? Do we let them die as they attempt to rescue others from falling buildings? We have lost more of our sons and daughters through the afore mentioned methods than through the War in Iraq.

Does anyone in Congress study history? Do they even study current events? Examine all the terrorist attacks on Americans over the last 30 years and see what they have in common. I'll give you a hint, almost all involve young Muslim males. We were at war with these folks before G.W. Bush became President. Any doubt that this is true should have vanished on September 11, 2001.

Where do you want to fight this war? Do we take the war to their homelands and fight it there? Do we fight it at skyscrapers in New York, Chicago,and other large cities? Do we fight it on planes and in airports? Do you want to fight this war in the mountains of Afghanistan or the Poconos? Do we fight it in the streets of Baghdad or the streets of Boston? Do we just go ahead and spot them everything east of the Mississippi? The answer is obvious, we take the war to them and make them die defending their families and their homes.

We are having problems in Iraq now because we have not applied sufficient force to get their attention. We are so busy trying to be nice that we are dying rather than taking actions to protect our troops. If it takes every brigade we have, send them. What are we saving them for? This is the biggest threat we have currently.

The cowards in Congress are talking about bringing everyone home this year. Look around the globe, boys. We still have troops in Korea half a century after the end of that war. We have troops in Japan and German 62 years after the end of that war. Why haven't we brought home the troops from those countries??

I have heard all the "Exit Strategy" bullshit that I can stand!! Just be honest and use the word "retreat". Again we turn to history for some pointers. In the dark days of December, 1944 when the German counter-offensive in the Ardennes turned into the Battle of the Bulge, thousands of Americans were taken prisoner. Thousands more were killed and wounded in the battle. The 101st Division was surrounded at Bastogne. Do you think that Eisenhower called FDR and asked, "Mr. President, the situation is pretty serious. We are getting our asses kicked up in the Ardennes and our boys are surrounded at Bastogne. What is our exit strategy?" HELL, NO !!!!! He sent Patton and his army to relieve Bastogne and push the Germans back. France is a free nation today because Ike didn't have an "exit strategy". Did Grant ask Lincoln for an "exit strategy" after the Battle of the Wilderness? Did Washington spend the winter at Valley Forge putting together an "exit strategy"? Did John Paul Jones have an "exit strategy" when he brought the Bonhomme Richard alongside the Serapis? Sam Houston couldn't even spell "exit strategy" when he burned the bridges that he could have used to escape at San Jacinto. All of these LEADERS won because they were committed to winning and would settle for nothing less.

The American People expect you to take action against these people who would do us harm. If you are opposed to fighting this war against them in Iraq, tell us where we will fight it.

We elect people to lead. If you cannot lead, find another job.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Bar Association Awakens!!

The North Carolina Bar Association has just discovered what the rest of the world has known for weeks, Mike Nifong is a liar.

Today they added to the ethics charges against Mr. Nifong. They are now charging him with misleading the court and withholding evidence. I guess "misleading the court" is a polite phrase for lying. If you are a regular citizen and not a lawyer, they call it perjury.

I am not a lawyer and I don't play one on TV, but someone in North Carolina has the authority to remove this clown from office and should do so immediately. I think that is safe to assume that Nifong will not do the proper thing and resign. Someone will need to throw his ass out of office.

If Nifong were a Republican and the Duke Three were black, the NAACP would be marching in the streets. Have we heard from those folks lately about this case? How about those 88 Duke faculty members who were crying for "justice"? How about all those people marching and demonstrating for "justice"? Where are all those folks screaming for the lacrosse team to confess? I can only surmise that it is getting crowded on Gilligan's Island or where ever all of these people are stranded and unable to communicate now with the outside world. They must be "incommunicado", the city next to incoherent.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Free the Duke three!!!!

Now that Mike Nifong has passed the case up to the State Attorney General, it is time to end the farce and drop the remaining charges against the three Duke lacrosse players.

I actually watched 60 Minutes last week to see the interview with Nifong's co-conspirator, Brian Meehan, the alleged DNA expert. After admitting that there was DNA from four men in the victim's underwear and DNA from another in her rectum( none from the Duke lacrosse team), he could not explain why this was omitted from his report. With all that DNA, that girl needed a traffic cop in her crotch. Were people taking numbers?? Did she just work from a waiting line?? Did any of that DNA match Nifong's? Wouldn't that explain everything?

If I lie to the judge, I have committed perjury. What is it when Nifong lies to the judge??

The alleged victim has serious problems. What is the DA doing to help her? Will he prosecute her for filing a false report? If not, why not? A judge has ordered a paternity test to determine the father of her new baby. How will they narrow the pool of prospective fathers to test? Can she even remember everyone who has been "intimate" with her? Will Elvis, Tupac, and Bill Clinton be tested? Sorry, I'm just kidding about Elvis. I haven't seen an unblurred picture of the girl but if she has big hair and big breasts, you have to figure Clinton took a shot at her. She only thought that she performed oral sex on Seligman, it was actually Clinton.

Next week, we discuss Mike Nifong's T-shirt business. I am sure I saw one that said "Hell Yes!! I will prostitute the law to get votes!!" Of course, the current best seller is the shirt with a smirking Nifong on the front and the phrase "DNA evidence" explained on the back. In Nifong's world, "DNA evidence" means "Don't Need Any evidence".

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Thoughts from the Road

We had a little snow and sleet here in Piedmont North Carolina on Thursday morning and civilization almost collapsed. On Wednesday the grocery stores were filled with idiots buying milk and bread before the storm. I will never understand why people who don't drink milk or eat sandwiches run out and buy milk and bread when snow is forecast. Is this a remnant of some ancient tribal ritual? Is it just mass hysteria? Is it just mass stupidity? Is it a result of a conspiracy between grocery stores and weather forecasters?

After an ice storm a few years ago, a customer told me that he had lost all of the food in his refrigerator as a result of his power being off for three days. I pointed out that during that time the temperature never went above 40 degrees. I asked him why he just didn't put the food outside in some containers where it would stay cold. The "DUH" look on his face was unforgettable.

As I watched the news on Thursday morning about the scores of traffic accidents happening, I realized that the same problems happen every time it snows. Idiots who think that they are invincible because they have four wheel drive are the first to have accidents. Anyone with four wheel drive should be required to have special training to drive when it snows. They should have a special endorsement on their drivers license for snow days. How about idiots driving tractor trailers like the snow and ice don't matter? There's nothing worse than mushing along at 35 miles an hour in a driving snow and suddenly there is a 35 ton eighteen wheeler five feet from your rear bumper flashing his lights. There should be snow and ice detectors on eighteen wheelers that just shut them down when snow and ice start to fall.

A final word on snow but not here in North Carolina. For the past month Denver has been buried by winter storms. Why aren't politicians lining up to send billions of dollars in federal aid to help people there? Maybe it was because they were prepared for bad weather and didn't just sit on their butts and wait for the government to take care of them. Contrast this with Hurricane Katrina and the people in New Orleans. I discussed this with someone at work and they pointed out the no one would drown in the snow in Denver. I agreed but pointed out that no one was going to freeze to death in New Orleans. In a seminar years ago, Ken Blanchard (One Minute Manager) said that the problem with rescuing people is that after a while they complain because you aren't rescuing them well enough. This is the situation in New Orleans and throughout this country. We have helped some people so much that now they expect it and won't do anything for themselves. You don't need to look far, it's happening in your town too.

Thursday afternoon as I was driving to work, a Mercedes SUV pulled onto the road in front of me. I saw the driver's arm come out a couple of times and wondered what was happening. A couple of blocks down the road I finally saw what was happening. The driver had a long-handled duster and was cleaning his windshield with it. Apparently his wipers didn't work. As the rain increased he had to just keep his arm out the window wiping faster with his duster. He turned before I could get alongside him for a photo to add to my Idiots Hall of Fame. See the entry above about special training for those with four wheel drive vehicles.

Is there anyone driving a Cadillac Escalade who isn't a drug dealer or a pimp??

Is there anyone who understands that making a right turn on a red light requires that you first stop for oncoming traffic??

Sitting at a traffic light in downtown Greensboro on Thursday in the rain, all the cars around me had their wipers working. As required by law, all the cars except one had turned on their headlights. I considered pointing it out to the driver of that car since he was next to my car. But he was talking on a cell phone and paying no attention. Oh Yeah! He was a Greensboro police lieutenant in an unmarked car. The first rule for those who wish to enforce the law is to obey the law. I don't understand how talking on cell phones is dangerous for citizens but not for the police.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Thursday Thoughts

Reports from Nashville are that the late Saddam Hussein will star in a remake of the music video, "We were swinging". Proceeds will help the individual arrested for using his cell phone to take pictures of the late Mr. Hussein's drop to room temperature.

Keith Ellison, first Muslim elected to Congress, will use a Koran borrowed from the Library of Congress to take his oath of office. Apparently Mr. Ellison has asked to borrow this because it once was owned by Thomas Jefferson. Much has been made in the press of Mr. Jefferson having owned a copy of the Koran. Mr. Jefferson also owned slaves. Will Mr. Ellison have any at his swearing in ceremony??

Rep. Virgil Goode has been criticized for his statements concerning Muslims and the need to tighten immigration laws. Apparently those attacking Mr. Goode are not familiar with either history or current events. Is it just coincidence that so many terroist acts committed against this country are done by Muslims? Liberals want us to keep practicing tolerance until we have all been killed.

A story in the newspaper the other day lamented the death of Sadddam Hussein. It said that many people felt that he had been executed before we could get more information from him about his vast empire and activities. The same folks were opposed to any stressful interrogations of Mr. Hussein during the three years that we held him. I guess that they were hoping he would write some type of "tell-all" memoirs using O.J. Simpson's publisher.

The Democrats in Congress have decided that they are not going to start the promised "bipartisanship" until after they pass everything that they want in their "100 hours" plan. They are not even going to give Republicans a chance to read legislation before voting on it. This confirms everything that I know about politicians. They are liars and they don't even know what they are voting on. They should just go ahead and change the name from "Democrats" to "Socialists" and get it over with.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Road Rage

A few thoughts from the ride to work and back-

The other day on the noon news, the story of President Gerald Ford's death came AFTER the news that James Brown's body had been carried through Harlem in a horse drawn wagon. Reports that the wagon had 22 inch rims and spinners remain unconfirmed.

The Post Office will be closed on January 2 for the National Day of Mourning for President Ford. How many people at the Post Office were even born when Ford was President? It's not like they are going to sit home and watch the funeral. How about paying a real tribute to Ford? Why doesn't the Post Office open on Sunday and have all of their employees volunteer to work free that day?? Now that's a tribute!

A car blew by me on US 29 with a license plate that read, "LA WOMAN". Judging by the way the car was leaning to one side, I can only surmise that LA stands for Lard Ass.

I saw a Taco Bell billboard that read "Get Your Crunch On". It's bad enough that they are screwing up food, do they have to destroy the language also? Have you had their "Stuft Burrito?" Let's face it. This is advertising pandering to blacks. I guess that "Yo, Homey! We be putting cheese on everything." is just too blatant. Hey guys!! Stop thinking outside the bun.(It's your slogan)

Happy New Year!! In the South, many people have collard greens for New Year's dinner, thinking that the collards are good luck and will bring them money. I explained to an employee today that getting up and going to work every morning will bring you money.

On holidays, the phone at the restaurant rings all day with the same question, "Are you open?" The same people call on EVERY holiday. Today the monotony was broken with a different call, a woman called and asked how long to cook collard greens.
1. How smart is it to call a pancake house and ask for collard cooking pointers?
2. Why isn't there a Collard Cooking Hotline? They do have a turkey hotline for Thanksgiving. Don't collards deserve equal treatment? Call 1-800-FATBACK for more info on cooking collards.

Several years ago a woman called the restaurant and asked "Are you open?". "Yes, we are." "Are you really open?" "Yes." "You aren't kidding me are you?" "Lady, what answer are you looking for?" With that she started telling me that I had a bad attitude because I was having to work on New Year's Day. My response was simple, "I would rather work than sit home and call around asking restaurants if they were open and then arguing with the answer. Thanks for calling!"