Thursday, April 19, 2007

Free at last, thank God Almighty, free at last!! The Duke Three Story ends

Attorney General Roy Cooper of North Carolina announced that all charges against the Duke Three have been dropped and that the three are innocent.

After months of verbal abuse from members of the Duke faculty and student body, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, community "activists", Geraldo Rivera, and other idiots the game is over. It turns out that no crime was committed. The accuser is incapable of telling the same story twice. Months ago I asked, "remember Tawana Brawley?"

The Duke Three are currently in seclusion awaiting apologies from the famed racists Jackson and Sharptom. Mr. Seligman's future as a porn star has been destroyed by Cooper's announcement. It was widely assumed that if Seligman was having sex with the accuser while he was miles away at an ATM, he had the longest schlong in history. Say goodbye to the new Big John Holmes!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Anna, Imus, and the National Felons League

Anna Nicole Smith's baby has finally figured out who her father is. DNA results show that Larry Birkhead is the father. Frankly, I was hoping it was either the dead geezer's frozen sperm or Bill Clinton. As Anna's "partner", Howard K. Stern, knows by now, it doesn't always go your way.

Someone called and asked if I would be filling in for Don Imus on the radio for the next two weeks. Short answer is "no". Why would I offend people for money when I can do it here for free? They pay Imus to be controversial, what did they expect? Did they think that he would be reading the Ten Commandments hoping to draw an audience? Would his comments on the Rutgers women have sounded any better coming from Chris Rock or Dave Chappell? You're right, there is a double standard.

Front page of the USA Today sports section yesterday featured pictures of 41 NFL players arrested since 2006, some multiple times. The score in this game was Black 39 - White 2. Readers are left to draw their own conclusions. Imus was not invited to comment. Editorial opinion- This is what happens when we treat semi-literate sociopaths as gods.

The North Carolina Senate has voted to apologize for slavery. The search is on to find a slave still alive to accept the apology. More worthless, feel good, meaningless crap from our lawmakers. Is there ANYTHING good this week from Raleigh??

I am still waiting for an apology from the Senate for my years of labor toiling away to pay taxes supporting a failed welfare system. I repeat my line from an earlier post, "Call LBJ in hell and tell him that his Great Society has failed".

New Orleans and the state of Louisiana are suing the Corps of Engineers for almost 300 billion dollars for damage from Katrina. The whole frigging state isn't worth that. That's even if you include the potential earnings of every crooked politician, every corrupt cop, every whore in the French Quarter, every drug addict on Bourbon Street, and the famed football team, the New Orleans Aint's. If you are there, get out now!! Grab a bag of beignets on the way out.

Friday, April 06, 2007

I love stupid people- The car show version

The Charlotte Auto Fair starts on April 12 at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. The spring show is a much larger event than the fall show with more than 100,000 people attending. I have set up there as a vendor for the last few years. I love going for several reasons. I usually sell a lot of stuff and I get to hang out with a bunch of B.S. artists and practice my craft.

My older son describes my sales style as "heckling". If you pass in front of my spaces, I'm talking to you. Over the last few years, I have met a host of people who left me wondering how they found their way from West Virginia to Concord (The Charlotte Motor Speedway is, of course, not in Charlotte).

One of my favorite stories happened a few years ago at the fall show. The guy set up across from me had a trailer about 25 feet long that carried his stuff. He towed it in with a Chevy truck and then took his truck home and drove a car back. The car was a 1961 Ford that he was trying to sell. Friday afternoon, we were standing talking when two morons stopped to look at his trailer. One asked, "Do you pull that trailer with that Ford?" My buddy replied, "Sure, it has plenty of power." Moron #2 then asked, "Isn't that trailer a fifth wheel model with that gooseneck? How can you tow that with a car?" My buddy responded "The fifth wheel bracket is in the trunk. I just open the trunk and use bungee cords to tie the lid forward. Then I hook up the trailer and go." Unable to control my laughter, I walked away. Moron #1 chimed in at this point, "Man, I would sure like to see how that works." My friend Barnum told him "Well, be here tomorrow around 5:00 when I pack up." After the intellectually challenged pair walked away, I asked him, "What are you going to do if they show up tomorrow?" He responded simply, "Do YOU think that they can find their way back here again?" He's right.

Last year, I was trying to sell an M101A1 trailer that I bought from the Army in a surplus sale. I put a simple sign on it, "For Sale, M101A1 trailer, $550". I put the sign on the front of the trailer. It didn't take long to reel one in. About 30 minutes went by before some Einstein strolled up. He read the sign and asked "Is this the trailer that you are selling?" I looked around to make sure that someone had not sneaked another trailer into my space. "That would be the one." He then explained, "I know all about these military trailers and this is NOT an M101A1. Your sign is wrong." At this point my attitude changed abruptly. " Pal, I may not be an EXPERT like you claim to be, BUT I can read. If you will give this data plate here on the trailer your attention, you will see that this has been an M101A since it was manufactured in 1967. The title also claims that it is an M101A1. But if you want to argue, put your ass on the road to Fort Bragg where I picked it up and argue with them. Any more questions?" He slinked away to tell some other guy that his Chevy is really a Ford.

Last year, I had a box of long-handled brushes that I was trying to sell. The brushes were about 18" long and might have been drafting brushes or some kind of workbench brushes. I put a sign on the box "Brushes, $1 each, Brush your car, brush your workbench, get kinky with your wife." I actually sold several of them. Saturday morning a woman stopped to read my brush sign. She read the sign, looked up at me, read the sign again, and looked at me. "I don't care for your sign." I ended our conversation with "My wife didn't like it either! Do you want to buy one?" She was gone in the blink of an eye.

My favorite quick question and answer session goes something like this and happens dozens of times a day. Someone walks up, picks an item off the table, and asks "Is this for sale?" I usually look around to make sure that I am still at the car show and respond, "Yes, it is for sale. The museum department is that table over there."

Check back in a couple of weeks for the 2007 version.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


I left the restaurant around 4:00 PM today and headed home. The phone rang around 6:15 and I went to answer it. Expecting an opportunity to expose some unsuspecting telemarketer to my wit and extensive vocabulary, I was surprised to see that it was our night manager calling.

"Hey Gilbert! Some reporter is here from Fox 8 trying to get a comment from you or Bart about Starmount selling the property."

"WHAT??? Hell, I don't know anything about Starmount putting the shopping center up for sale! Go ahead and put her on the phone."

The reporter explained to me that about three hours earlier, Starmount had announced that they were putting their retail properties and Green Valley Office Park up for sale. Fox 8 was trying to get merchant reaction to the announcement. "When did they notify you?", she asked.

"They didn't contact me and since the owner hasn't called, I'm pretty sure they haven't notified him"

"How long have you been open at this location?"

"Thirty five years."

"And they didn't notify you?"

"Apparently not."

End of telephone interview.

As we have more than ten years left on our lease, we don't have a lot of concerns. Our biggest hope is that a new owner will understand the word "COMMUNICATION".

Spring Break????

Last Wednesday night at work, a high school girl who works as a waitress was checking out before going home. After signing for her charge tips, she looked at me and asked, "Mr. Jones, what are you going to do on spring break??"

"Hell, I'm going to work! This isn't school, this is the real world. School doesn't prepare you for the real world. We don't work just 180 days a year. We aren't off on every holiday known to man. We go to work whether it is hot, cold, or there is a forecast of snow. We don't get off for spring break." I stopped ranting and took a breath to get some oxygen.

"So you aren't going anywhere for spring break?"

Yes, Miss Wednesday is a blonde.