Thursday, September 20, 2007

Ponderable but probably pointless

Is O.J. Simpson really this frigging stupid?
Survey says.....................YES.
The Juice must want to play on the prison football team because he keeps trying to get there.

I keep seeing "Mean people suck" bumper stickers. Isn't it mean to tell people that they suck?

How about those "War is not the answer" bumper stickers? I guess that we could all have our dogs teach us to roll over and play dead. Sorry, I forgot the question.

Last of the bumper sticker shots. How about those "Visualize World Peace" stickers. Sorry folks, but if I'm taking a mental field trip to visualize anything, I'm trying to visualize a beach filled with naked women. Maybe THAT is World Peace.

Why don't psychics play and win lotteries? If I wake up tomorrow and find out that I can see the future, my ass is on the next plane to Vegas. This from a guy who hates to go to airports. And that started BEFORE Larry Craig made us aware of an airport's entertainment value.

Why don't we put a bunch of psychics on the federal payroll and see if things get better? Think about it. If they can really see the future, look at all the time and money we can save. I guess that they can't see anything of value or they would all be stockbrokers. All they can tell you is that your Aunt Ethel, who died 30 years ago, has finally made it to the other side and is calling you with the cookie recipe.

As you ride through the countryside, sometimes you will look up and on the side of a mountain or a water tower will be written "Christ is the answer". This is probably true, but how many of us know what the question is? More accurately, what the questions are.

A Jewish acquaintance always reminds me, "Jesus saves, Moses invests".

In Orem, Utah a seventy year old women was arrested and charged with failing to water her lawn and resisting arrest. I guess that there are no airport restrooms in Orem for the police to patrol. She has entered a plea of innocent to the July incident. She was "apprehended" by Officer Flygare of the police department's Neighborhood Preservation Unit. Barney Fife is alive and well in Utah!

The CIA has contracted with the head coach of the New England Patriots to help find Osama bin Laden. An unnamed CIA spokesman said, "He appears to know more about surveillance and winning than we do." The coach will receive no payment for his services, but will be allowed to get pictures from a spy satellite positioned over the Patriots home field.

Hillary Clinton continued to amaze me with her intellect and political savvy as she proposed a health plan to bankrupt the nation.

Thanks to Sally Field for completely destroying her Gidget, Flying Nun, even her Smokey and the Bandit image as she was bleeped off the Emmy Awards show with her anti-war tirade. Since I wasn't watching, I settled for the highlights on the news. I have hated her since Norma Rae. Under the old Fairness Doctrine, normal people would get equal time to respond to the Emmy Awards.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Saturday stuff

Last night, my wife was watching "Are You smarter than a fifth grader?" and I mistakenly decided to watch. The first guy washed out on his first question, which was about a common noun. The second contestant was a woman and her first question was pretty simple, "Who was the president before Franklin Roosevelt?" Seemed easy enough. Three of the fifth graders had the right answer. The woman got to see their answers and then announced that she was going with an answer that none of the kids had. Her answer, James Madison. Yes, James Madison, Father of the Constitution, President during the War of 1812, husband of Dolly. Change the name of the show to "How stupid can one person be?" or "How little do Americans know about our own history?". She was only about 120 years off.

I'm sure that if you are on the Internet you have seen it, BUT if not Google "Miss Teen South Carolina" and watch the video. There's a chance the "James Madison" woman is a relative of hers.

Why do small churches have such long names? You go by a large church and the sign reads something like "First Baptist Church, Pastor Bill Smith". You go by some little storefront church and the sign reads something like "First Apostolic Church of Faith in the Lord as written in two of the four Gospels, Bishop Lawrence Roosevelt Hiram Jefferson, Founder". I guess they figure that you will have to stop to read the sign and then come in.

It finally rained in Piedmont North Carolina yesterday. I guess that we will all have to find something else to talk about now.

College football is on TV on Saturdays again. Thank God for PBS.

Sysco, our primary grocery supplier at work, held a golf outing on Tuesday at Grandover Resort in Greensboro. I was invited and since I rarely pass up free food and a chance to drive a golf cart around a great course, I attended. While eating lunch before we started, someone asked how well I played. I told him that I played as well as you would expect for a guy who had to move two bags of goat feed to find his clubs in a shed. It could be a new Foxworthy thing, "If you have to move the goat feed to get to your golf clubs, you might be a redneck."

I haven't heard from Jim Hickmon, the clown threatening to sue me for libel, this week. Maybe Walt Hilderman changed enough on his website to placate the bottom feeder.

Jim Hickmon's threats may be part of a vast conspiracy by the Sons of Confederate Veterans and other Southern "Heritage" groups to deny Hilderman and I our civil rights. I could probably find a lawyer who believes that but most of those guys are representing the other side. It was worth throwing the idea in anyway.

Larry Craig has filed a request to have his guilty plea thrown out. Doonesbury has been spoofing the whole episode this week. Hard to believe that Trudeau and I agree on anything, but his take is pretty funny. Apparently, not everyone believes that tapping your toes and waving your arms in a men's room is criminal behavior. Have the police surveyed airport restrooms to determine the magnitude of this criminal activity? There are probably thousands of people engaged in disorderly conduct of this kind as I write this swill. How many are bored or listening to music (even the background music) as opposed to looking for a homosexual encounter? While we are at it, what's going on over in the ladies room??

Newsweek's cover story is about Hillary Clinton and "what kind of decider would she be?" I guess that whole nomination and election process has already been decided.

Twenty years of Clinton or Bush is enough for ANY country. We would be best served by someone from outside our current ruling circles. At least, let's elect someone from outside those two families. What has happened in the last twenty years that we need another four or eight years of in this country?

There was another story in Newsweek about "Quirky Kids". What do we do with them?
I guess we let them manage restaurants and write weblogs.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Larry Craig, Loser

Larry Craig, to resign or not to resign? It didn't take Larry this long to decide whether or not to plead guilty to disorderly conduct. Why take time now to decide?

That Minneapolis airport must be a pretty dull place. Let's face it, when you assign cops to watch for guys tapping their toes in the men's room, life's pretty dull. I keep wondering about all those guys who don't realize that this is supposed to be some kind of gay mating call. What about some poor old fart listening to Mel Torme on his Walkman? A disorderly conduct charge for tapping your shoe and touching a partition is pretty Stalinistic. If you tap both shoes, are you deported or executed??

The most ridiculous accusation is that placing your luggage by the stall door is another sign that you are looking for a little gay action. Where else are you going to put a suitcase? In your lap? How about on the side of the toilet where everyone with bad aim leaves urine samples? How about hoisting it up and placing it on the coat hook? People bring their luggage into the stall so it won't be stolen. Of course, they don't realize that the cops consider them to be potential criminals for doing this. In addition, the luggage inspection Nazis always ask if your luggage has been out of your sight at any time. You guys in law enforcement are going to have to decide, "Do we bust them for leaving luggage unattended or for taking it into the stall with them?" Give us something to work with on this.

Back to Larry the Loser. Larry may be gay, he may have been looking for something in the airport restroom, I don't know and I don't really care. He does need a better defense than "I've got a wide stance." Where are all the civil liberties advocates today? A guy gets busted for tapping his toes in the restroom and nobody thinks that it is a little extreme. Is there a provision in the Patriot Act about toe-tapping? I mean, it pretty well outlawed everything else. Things are so bad, a public fart is a national security issue.

Why are other senators calling on Craig to resign? Isn't anyone a bit curious about why with crime as it is, our biggest threat in Minneapolis is bathroom blowjobs between consenting perverts? If he's gay, do you think that he's the only one in the Senate? If he were a Democrat, they would give him a chairmanship of something. He would be considered an elder statesman. Look around!! Ted Kennedy, drunk driver and perjurer, who left Mary Jo Kopechne to die to save his career, is still in the Senate, but toe-tapping, stall-wall-rubbing, luggage-placing Larry Craig has to resign? Are they insane? YES!

Sunday, September 02, 2007

I Love Stupid People-The Jim Hickmon Story

In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented... WAIT! Wrong story! Let's start again. Before I start, I will warn you, it is a long story.

Several years ago, I was a member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. When they began a slide into whacko politics, some other sane people and I started a group to try to change the direction of the national organization. Our group was called "Save the SCV". Our mistake was thinking that they wanted to be saved from the whackos. Several years later, all that remains of Save the SCV is a website still operated by one of the co-founders, Walt Hilderman, and the junk mail from credit card companies that keeps filling my mailbox.

Monday evening, I opened my mail to find a letter from the Hickmon Law firm. Jim Hickmon was threatening to sue Walt Hilderman and myself for libel unless we removed something from the Save the SCV website. As I had no idea who Hickmon was, I read the proposed request for an injunction and his proposed lawsuit. He claims that we have libeled him by referring to him as a neo-secessionist and as a member of the League of the South. He disputed the accuracy of this.

I called Hickmon and explained to him in my usual charming manner that I did not own the website as he claimed, I did not have the access to post anything on the website, and didn't even know who he was. I then told him that I was going to wipe my ass with his lawsuit and mail it back to him. Incredibly enough, he hung up on me.

How stupid is Jim Hickmon?? Let's start with what I know. He's an attorney specializing in pension and retirement planning. He is listed as the Judge Advocate for the North Carolina Sons of Confederate Veterans, and according to the Southern Legal Resource Center's website, he was elected to their board of directors. Yet he claims that we have libeled him by referring to him as a neo-secessionist and a member of the League of the South.

In his "facts" listed in his proposed lawsuit, Hickmon claims that I am a resident of Rockingham County. He's wrong. He also claims that I own the website "Save the SCV". Wrong again! He claims that I wrote or caused to be published several articles. Still wrong! It's incredible that a guy wants to sue me for something on the Internet that he claims is wrong, but gets all his information about me from the Internet. What's the stupid factor in this??

Hickmon used to operate a website called "My Dixie Forever". You could e-mail him at gojimbo@mydixieforever. It's not operating anymore.

Hickmon says that he "is" not a member of the League of the South. Bad news Jimbo!! Clinton taught us all what the meaning of "is" is. Hickmon's statement does NOT mean that he has not BEEN a member of the League. Keep trying, Jimbo!

Despite his membership in the SCV, Hickmon claims that he has never condoned or advocated secession. I know the SCV well enough to know that the subject comes up often, if only raised by some whacko. If Jimbo was present when secession was mentioned, and failed to mention that the North Carolina Constitution prohibits secession, he has condoned it. Silence is consent, Jimbo! He belongs to the Ross Camp of the SCV in Charlotte. They removed the United States flag from their meetings a few years ago. Any chance of a neo-secessionist there?

Basically, it appears that his association with extremists is beginning to harm his business and he wants to blame others for it. So trying to sue me will either help his business or endear him to the other whackos in the SCV.

I received a letter from Jimbo the other day telling me that he would not remove me from his suit. He attached a printout listing my name as the website registrant. Apparently, in law school they don't explain the difference between registrant and owner or contributor.

I guess if he keeps threatening me, my choices are limited, I can start the official "Jim Hickmon is an idiot" website. I could sell t-shirts with "Jim Hickmon, Dumbass" on the front. Hell, if he wants to sue, I need to get my money's worth.

Or I could take the legal route. I will have to subpoena all of the officers of the SCV and question them in regards to secession. I will need to see his personal financial records to see if he has ever paid dues to the League of the South. I will have to ask for all material ever published on his My Dixie Forever website. I probably need to see all of his communications with the SLRC. Gosh, this could be fun!

I will keep you posted on future lawsuit developments.