Thursday, August 28, 2008

Live From Denver

No need to watch the coronation of Barack Obama tonight, our reporter from the Random Moment News Network has uncovered the details of the ceremony.

Obama will leave his hotel and head to the stadium at around 5:00 PM. In a tribute to both the symbol of the Democratic Party and his reputation as "The One", Obama will ride a small donkey to the stadium. The Florida and California delegations are furnishing palm fronds for the crowd massed along the route to wave at "The One". At the midpoint of the parade, "The One" will stop and enter the Denver YMCA to shoot a few baskets and shower. After resuming the parade, Obama will get off his ass a couple of times to wade into his crowd of supporters to bump fists.

After arriving at the stadium, Obama will meet briefly with the media. While Barbara Walters and her leftist View crew wash his feet, Obama will answer questions from his media supporters. No questions requiring real thought will be allowed, as if there were any real danger of that happening.

Before ascending to the stage, designed to look like a Greek temple, Obama will try to calm his nerves and secure a few votes in North Carolina. He will turn to his Secret Service detail and utter those words that they have heard so many times, "Yo! Lemme hold a Newport!"

Upon taking the stage, "The One" will reach out to the Hispanic voters that the Democrats need so badly. Obama will take three burritos and two tacos from a small boy and feed the multitude. To show that the party is sticking with the "Big Tent" idea, "The One" will then turn the water into Thunderbird and malt liquor. With the crowd fed and watered, "The One" will go to the podium.

"The One" will open with a prayer. " My father, who art in heaven, hallowed be my name. My kingdom come, my will be done, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as it is here in Denver. Give us our daily bread, because as Democrats we don't believe that anyone should work for it. Forgive us our trespasses as I have forgiven that bitch Hillary. Sorry about that one, Dad. Lead us not into the land of hanging chads. Deliver me from those white racists who don't believe in me as my socialist friends do. For mine is the glory, now and forever. Holler back, Dad."

After introducing Joe "I used to be a plagiarist" Biden as his running mate, it is time for "The One" to make his speech of a lifetime. After thanking Biden for his input on his speech, Obama turns to the crowd to begin. There is a brief hesitation, then the words begin to flow as "The One" hits his oratory stride. "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers............"

Friday, August 22, 2008

Doesn't Anybody Screw Anymore?

One of my favorite old jokes from the 1960's was about Little Red Riding Hood. As Little Red was skipping through the forest one day, the Big Bad Wolf leaped out from behind a tree and with a loud growl he roared, "I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I'm going to eat you!!" Little Red looked up and replied, " Eat, eat, eat. Doesn't anybody screw anymore?"

In this week's news, Ricky Martin, the alleged singer, is reported to be the new father of twins. Rather than follow the traditional path to parenthood, the Puerto Rican Pantywaist had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with his sperm.

First Clay Aiken, now Ricky Martin, what's going on with singers? I long for the old days when men were men and only dairy cows were artificially inseminated. Has Mick Jagger had anyone artificially inseminated? Did Elvis send Priscilla to a lab to get pregnant?

It's a sad day when you ask the question, "Doesn't anybody screw anymore?" and the answer is "Yes, John Edwards."

Monday, August 18, 2008

Mindless Monday

The One apparently underperformed in his appearance on Saturday with John McCain and hosted by Rick Warren. In a case of sour grapes, Obama staffers are claiming that McCain must have known the questions beforehand. "He was so well prepared." Here's a thought guys, maybe he actually knows what he believes.

The Washington Post has admitted giving Obama three times as much coverage as McCain. No comment from The One's staff on this obvious case of racial discrimination..

The Olympic Games go on and on and on. If he were older, Michael Phelps could be elected President this year. Sunday night, I saw part of a Women's beach volleyball game. After the Olympics, they will probably lose the bikinis and move this sport to the Playboy Channel.

A small school district in Texas will allow teachers to carry guns to class. I am predicting a sharp increase in student test scores in that district this year.

Must be near a full moon? At dinner, my wife of 29 years actually asked me how Ted Kennedy was doing. After restarting my heart, I told her that I only Googled "Ted Kennedy" with "obituary". Nothing yet.

In Greensboro, the police arrested a restaurant manager for having tables on the sidewalk at 10:04 PM. Apparently they believed that this violated the city law that allows sidewalk dining until 10:00 P.M. Unmoved by fact that no one was using the tables during a driving rain, they hauled the desperado away. Greensboro, a city so safe that sidewalk tables are the highest priority in the crime department.

Only one week left until the Democratic National Convention. First the Olympics, now the convention. No wonder Elvis shot his television. They should make remotes in different calibers.

Obama wants to raise the minimum wage to $9.00 or more per hour. Last month's increase in the minimum wage resulted in the busboys at work having their hours reduced. $9.00 per hour will cause their jobs to be eliminated. As a lifer in the government business, Obama has no concept of capitalism. Someone tell the One to call me for details.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Georgia, Paris, and John

Told that Russian troops were invading Georgia, Obama is reported to have asked, "Can't South Carolina help them?"

We should have known that something was going on in Russia when Putin was interviewed a couple of weeks ago and was humming "Georgia on my mind."

Under the absurd idea that the world is distracted by the Olympics, Russia chose this time to reacquire some territory. John Edwards used the same "Maybe no one will notice" theory to announce his love affair with the Camilla look alike.

In related news, The National Enquirer continues to claim that Edwards is the father of Camilla's baby. Edwards denies the story, but I think that we've been this way before.

Oil prices continue to drop, but gasoline prices are slower in falling. Maybe there is a connection between the price of gasoline and the record profits in the oil industry. Drill here, drill now! Email your moron in Congress.

Paris Hilton's recent video in response to McCain's ads was entertaining. Deleted before distribution was the scene where Paris was asked about her position on offshore drilling. "I like being on the bottom when we have sex in the boat" was her Kennedy-like response.

A Democratic Party ad here in North Carolina attacks the Republican candidate for governor because he does not support the "Free Community College" idea. No word from the Demoncrats on how we will pay for "free" community college.

Obama supports an increase in the minimum wage to $9.00. Obama has never met a handout program that he couldn't support.

In Los Angeles, the City Council has voted to ban construction of new fast food restaurants in part of the city. They are concerned about the health of the residents in the area. Interestingly enough, there is no ban on stores selling alcohol or tobacco in that same area. Just a reminder that there is no aspect of your life too small for the government to want to control.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Nerds and Words

As a lifelong nerd, I have always been fascinated by words. Puns, double entendres, shaggy dogs, obscure words, and other nuances of the language keep my attention.Combine this interest with my habit of shooting from the lip and it makes me highly quotable for desperate reporters. A few stories can illustrate my meaning.

Several years ago, I told a reporter from the Independent Weekly about the SCV. I said "This is a lot of shit to put up with for a history club". You can still Google that quote and turn up a couple of articles.

Our church planted a field of potatoes in the spring and is now harvesting them and donating them to needy families and food banks. I told my wife that they needed to call it "Taters for Tots". Like "Toys for Tots", get it? Work with me on this!

In the fall of 1965, I sat in Mrs. Ora Adams English class at George Washington Junior High in Tampa. As Mrs Adams tried to teach us how to diagram sentences, I wondered of what possible use this skill would ever be. Then 27 years later, Bill Clinton became President. Suddenly, it all became useful. Is oral sex considered sex? "It depends on what the meaning of is is." "I did not have sex with that woman." the list goes on. You had to diagram any statement made by Clinton to determine what it was that he meant. Thank you, Mrs Adams.

My favorite Clinton word story happened after his grand jury appearance where he finally owned up to having sex with Gennifer Flowers. Speaking to a Clinton supporter at work about this, I pointed out that Clinton had finally admitted the Flowers affair. He responded that Clinton had only admitted that he had sex with Flowers once in 1978(?). I explained that he had not been asked about other years, so he didn't offer any other data. The Clinton supporter responded by telling me how good Bill was with language and words. I told him that Gennifer Flowers was right. She said that Bill was a "cunning linguist." He still tells people that story.

One day, a few years ago, in a phone conversation, I told my boss, "There's no need to flagellate ourselves about this." A couple of days later he told me that he had stopped and looked the word up. I'm probably one of the few restaurant managers who keeps a set of dictionaries in the office. Sometimes, while eating lunch, I just open one up and read a few definitions. It's not easy being a nerd.

Saturday, August 09, 2008


Yesterday was August 8. Apparently the Chinese had the Olympics start later than usual because they believe that 8 is a lucky number. It's not a lucky enough number to get me to watch that crap. I considered watching the women's beach volleyball competition but I got my fill of tattooed women at the Waffle House in the 1970's. That was before our current Age of Enlightenment and the only women with tattoos were freaks and/or lesbians.

Two developments yesterday must be linked to the number 8 or some phase of the moon. First, John "The Breck Girl" Edwards admitted that he had an affair with a WOMAN (I too, was taken aback) but did not father her child. Frankly, if I were a millionaire lawyer and former Senator and Vice-Presidential candidate, I would find a much prettier woman with whom to have an affair. I'm guessing that Edwards knew that Camilla Parker-Bowles was taken. Then, Clay Aiken announced that he had not had an affair with a woman but had fathered her child. Yes, I am also confused. The current story is that Mr. Aiken had supplied the sperm to have Ms. Jaymes Foster artificially inseminated. Yes, I have always longed to have a woman tell me that she wanted to have my child, but only if we didn't have sex to accomplish it. Frankly, I don't equate masturbating into a specimen cup with fathering a child. Hey! I am twentieth century kind of guy, what can I say?

After watching the Edwards and Aiken stories on television, I am reluctant to tell people that I am also fron North Carolina. Maybe, they will move to South Carolina. South Carolina, too small to be a country, too big to be an asylum.

The North Carolina Highway Patrol ran a bunch of DWI checkpoints last night. The idea was that since the legal limit for blood alcohol level is .08%, the 8/8/08 was a natural tie-in. I am organizing a group of disgruntled taxpayers to stake out donut shops on the 12th to see how many troopers stop in for a dozen donuts. The 12th, a "dozen" donuts, do you get the connection? I hate having to explain them.

In today's news, Bernie Mac, the alleged comedian, died of pneumonia complications. Conspiracy theorists are already in action as Mr. Mac's last public performance was opening for the Messiah, Barack Obama.