Thursday, August 28, 2008

Live From Denver

No need to watch the coronation of Barack Obama tonight, our reporter from the Random Moment News Network has uncovered the details of the ceremony.

Obama will leave his hotel and head to the stadium at around 5:00 PM. In a tribute to both the symbol of the Democratic Party and his reputation as "The One", Obama will ride a small donkey to the stadium. The Florida and California delegations are furnishing palm fronds for the crowd massed along the route to wave at "The One". At the midpoint of the parade, "The One" will stop and enter the Denver YMCA to shoot a few baskets and shower. After resuming the parade, Obama will get off his ass a couple of times to wade into his crowd of supporters to bump fists.

After arriving at the stadium, Obama will meet briefly with the media. While Barbara Walters and her leftist View crew wash his feet, Obama will answer questions from his media supporters. No questions requiring real thought will be allowed, as if there were any real danger of that happening.

Before ascending to the stage, designed to look like a Greek temple, Obama will try to calm his nerves and secure a few votes in North Carolina. He will turn to his Secret Service detail and utter those words that they have heard so many times, "Yo! Lemme hold a Newport!"

Upon taking the stage, "The One" will reach out to the Hispanic voters that the Democrats need so badly. Obama will take three burritos and two tacos from a small boy and feed the multitude. To show that the party is sticking with the "Big Tent" idea, "The One" will then turn the water into Thunderbird and malt liquor. With the crowd fed and watered, "The One" will go to the podium.

"The One" will open with a prayer. " My father, who art in heaven, hallowed be my name. My kingdom come, my will be done, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue as it is here in Denver. Give us our daily bread, because as Democrats we don't believe that anyone should work for it. Forgive us our trespasses as I have forgiven that bitch Hillary. Sorry about that one, Dad. Lead us not into the land of hanging chads. Deliver me from those white racists who don't believe in me as my socialist friends do. For mine is the glory, now and forever. Holler back, Dad."

After introducing Joe "I used to be a plagiarist" Biden as his running mate, it is time for "The One" to make his speech of a lifetime. After thanking Biden for his input on his speech, Obama turns to the crowd to begin. There is a brief hesitation, then the words begin to flow as "The One" hits his oratory stride. "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers............"


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