Friday, February 15, 2008

Jane Fonda, my new hero

Sometime this morning, I went online to read the news and found an incredible headline, "Jane Fonda drops the C-bomb on the Today show". Sorry folks, but my profane vocabulary is extensive enough that I wasn't sure what the "C-bomb" was. I had to watch the video to find out.

I was worried that she might have said "Clinton" on live television. Wait!! She's a liberal, maybe she said "Cheney". Or she could have insulted us all and said "Carter". Alas, it was much simpler.

WARNING!!!!! Strong Adult Content!!
Before reading any further, be advised that what follows is a profanity-laced, irreverent, sarcastic, insulting look at this incident and the "C-bomb". There is something here to offend EVERYONE, don't feel special. If you read past here and are offended, don't waste your time and mine telling me. Loretta, you have been warned!

This morning on the Today show, Meredith Viera was discussing the play "The Vagina Monologues" with Jane Fonda and what might have been another woman. I am not sure, the third person showed no signs of life. Jane said that she had been asked to do a monologue called "Cunt". Hence the "C-bomb".

Let's face it. If you are going to discuss a play called "The Vagina Monologues" on live television, there's a chance that something is going to slip. I'm just glad to know that "The vagina monologues" is a play. I should have known. I have seen a few vaginas, but I have never heard one talk. I know that they all have lips, but I always figured they were mutes. I will hazard a guess that if they ever do find a talking one, the first words will be "Not tonight".

Jane should be intimately acquainted with the word. For years people have used that term to describe her. In her defense, it is usually preceeded by "pinko, Commie". I guess she was using it out of the context she normally hears it in.

How offensive can the word be? I mean she's discussing "The Vagina Monologues." What did you think that title represented? Some kind of travelogue to a foreign land? I guess that for some it would be.

I checked my English-Pervert Dictionary and it describes "cunt" as "a small fur-bearing creature that consumes great quantities of meat without choking." I just threw that one in for the animal lovers among you.

George Carlin once listed "cunt" as being one of the seven words that you can't say on television. Another myth bites the dust!

Since it seems that women are all excited about "The Vagina Monologues", men should have their own production. How about some "Penis Poetry" or "Prostate Prose" or "The Talking Testicles"? Actually I was hoping for something with more of a plot. How about "The Testicle Trilogy"? It's about a guy who has three.

Frankly, anytime that you can get an attractive, seventy year old woman, even Jane, talking "dirty" on live television, I'm for it!

Finally! I am going to invite Jane to play a role in the play that I'm working on about the adventures of William Jefferson Clinton. I want her to star as Paula Jones in "The Crooked Cock Chronicles." We will cover all of the "C"s.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Just Thinking on Thursday

Last night as I sledded home, I realized why I think that "global warming" is media-induced mass hysteria. It took me more than twice as long to get home because I was traveling through about 4 inches of a "surprise snowstorm". Yes, "surprise snowstorm". Nobody called this one. On the news at noon yesterday, the forecast was for a 20% chance of evening showers, no snow mentioned. At work, the snow started falling about 7:30. When I left at 10:30, I had to get a broom to clean the snow off of the van. As I traveled the last 15 miles at a breakneck speed of 15 to 20 miles per hour, it came to me. The same weather experts who are telling me that the polar ice caps will be gone in 20 years couldn't tell me that snow was coming in the next 12 hours. This is some type of weather expert's Alzheimer's disease. They can tell you what the temperature will be in 2038, but can't tell you that it is going to rain tomorrow. Pack it in, guys!

You might be a redneck: About 5 miles from home, I saw several people standing a few feet off of the side of the road. A couple were holding flashlights and looking around. I slowed down (from 10 miles per hour) to see what was happening. I thought that they might have run off of the road. Not even close! At 12:30, there was a family out trying to sled down a hill, in the dark, towards a pond. They were taking turns using a blue plastic tarp as a sled. "Watch this, y'all". I guess that they were afraid that the snow would melt before morning. Either that or the beer would run out.

Today is Valentine's Day, a holiday designed by Hallmark, florists, and candy makers. I decide to get my wife a card early, so I went yesterday afternoon. I know that it was early because the card rack was surrounded by women, the men wouldn't be there until later. I tried to get through the crowd to the rack without much luck, the women were holding their ground near the card rack. After waiting a couple of minutes without any movement in the crowd, I loudly asked, "Excuse me, are the gay and lesbian cards in this area?". Like Moses parting the Red Sea, the crowd parted and I walked up to the rack and picked out a card. Happy Valentine's Day, darling.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Whacko Wednesday

A Washington woman is suing Best Buy for $54 million for losing her laptop computer. To be worth $54 million, there's either a cure for cancer or the world's best porn collection on that hard drive. America, the litigation nation.

Barack Obama won in the District of Columbia. Why have a primary in an area where people don't have a vote for the President?

As Obama and Hillary continue to trash each other, the Republicans are still searching for a candidate with a pulse.

We are fighting a war in Iraq, fighting a war in Afghanistan, gasoline is over $3 a gallon, jobs are going overseas, and criminals are roaming the streets. Naturally enough, Congress is holding hearings about baseball players and steroids. In the Senate, Arlen Specter is concerned about the New England Patriots spying on other teams. Congress, priorities?? I'll bet that those two words rarely turn up in a sentence.

In Greeensboro, the City Manager is under fire for repeatedly lying to and misleading the City Council. Last week, a city attorney denied that a memo existed only to have it published on the front page of the local weekly two days later. Memo to Greensboro city staff: If you are going to lie, do it well!! Putting your usual mediocre, half-assed, government employee effort into it won't work!!

I was at the flea market in Raleigh on Saturday. After a day at the flea market, my self-esteem soars and I feel positively svelte. The biggest problem that we are facing may be obesity. There were women walking through the flea market who should have been preceeded by a small truck with flashing lights and a sign reading "WIDE LOAD". I had several guys waddle up and ask if I had anything in a XXXL. I had to tell them that I didn't. I wasn't sure if the two man tents would wrap all the way around them.

If you are a regular reader, you know that I hate tattoos. An acquaintance told me last week that his son's girlfriend was telling them about her new tattoo at dinnertime. She told them that she had just had a butterfly tattoed on her lower back. In a "Gilbert" moment, he blurted out, "That butterfly on your back will be a buzzard in the crack of your ass when you get old."

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Truth in Advertising?

If there were truth in advertising laws that applied to political campaigns, we would see some different slogans and messages. How about some of these?

"Vote for Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for President!"- Hillary Clinton

"Experience by injection, maybe."- Still with Hill

"I am ready to be America's FIRST half-black President!"- Barack Obama

"I'm talking about poverty, stop asking about my $400 haircut.I see hundreds of poor people everyday when I leave my 30,000 sqare foot home."- The Breck Girl, John Edwards

"Forget that I was the governor of Arkansas."- The Rev. Mike Huckabee

"Vote Republican, even if I don't."- John McCain

"Flip, flop. Anything to stay on top."- Mitt Romney

Saturday, February 02, 2008

It's been a long, strange week!

The press secretary/spokesman for the Florida Department of Children and Families was arrested for using two children in a child pornography adventure. Today's Tampa Tribune indicates that more than the current eight felony charges may be forthcoming. I guess this is the old "fox guarding the hen house" story.

In other news from Tampa, a coach of a girl's high school soccer team was arrested Thursday for having sex with a seventeen year old girl seven times, between February and November in 2007. He was arrested at his home on Crooked Stick Drive, (I'm not making this up). I guess that at least seven times, it was Straight Stick Drive. Kind of reminds me of Paula Jones' commments about Bill Clinton.

John Edwards dropped out of the Democratic race for the Presidential nomination. Reports are that neither Hillary nor Obama is seeking an endorsement from the Breck Girl. He couldn't win in Iowa after running there for two years and was a distant third in his home state of South Carolina.

Rudy Guliani left the Republican race and threw his support to John McCain. McCain promptly thanked Rudy for bringing the 8 votes to his side.

Fat Teddy Kennedy and his family have endorsed Obama. Talk about the kiss of death! As he has already established that young women can't swim, is Teddy ready to test Obama's aquatic skills?

Now that the Democrats are down to a woman and a black man, the Republicans should react by running Condi Rice. She can match up with the two Democrats, while leaving room on the ticket for some other group.

A commercial on TV the other day said, "Celebrate Black History Month. Be Colorblind." I am and I still think that it's a stupid statement.

Haven't heard much about global warming this week. I guess that it is a summer and spring story. The predicted dry winter continued here yesterday with about 1 1/2" of rain.

For an accurate forecast, this morning Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow. According to legend, which tends to be more accurate than the Weather Channel, this means six more weeks of winter.

The Super Bowl coverage starts Sunday morning at 9:00 A.M. The game actually starts about 6:30. If you are still sober or awake at that time, enjoy the game. It's not on my list of things to do.