Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Clay's Christmas CD- For my life partner

Leaving the restaurant this afternoon, I looked down at my cellphone and saw that my wife had called me several times. Concerned that something was wrong,I called her. Nothing wrong. Instead, she asked if I was planning on stopping at Wal-Mart on the way home. I explained to her that I had neither a Wal-Mart visit nor a lobotomy planned on my way home. She told me that she and a friend had been to another Wal-Mart at lunch to get the newly released Clay Aiken Christmas CD. Unfortunately, they were already sold out. I agreed to check out a Wal-Mart that was on my way home.

I stopped at the Wal-Mart on Cone Boulevard in Greensboro and ventured in to look for the CD. They had several, so I picked up the FOUR copies that my beloved had requested and headed to the checkout. I stopped and picked up a bottle of water and placed it all on the checkout stand. The young lady at the register began ringing up my purchases and noticed that the CDs were all the same. She asked "Are you a big Clay Aiken fan?" I replied, "No, I don't like him, BUT my life partner is a huge fan." Her jaw dropped noticeably and she just stared rather than attempt any further conversation. I told a friend later that if I had thrown a tube of KY jelly and a cheap bottle of wine on the checkout, she would have run screaming into the street.

The poor girl is probably sitting in the break room at Wally World now telling her co-workers. "I didn't think gay guys wore plaid."

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

This just in!!

Charles Rangel of New York is helping the Democrats write off the South again in 2008. Rangel was quoted as saying "Who the hell wants to live in Mississippi?". I guess that the bloom is already off the "bipartisan" flower.

Let me answer that one for you, Congressman.
1. Anyone tired of putting up with uppity, know-it-all Yankees.
2. Anyone able to dig their way out of Buffalo in January.
3. Anyone who wants to walk down the street after sundown and live to tell about it.
4. Anyone who wants to get away from people stupid enough to vote for Charles Rangel.

Charles Rangel, a walking case for term limits.

Opened the mail at work today to find the shortest resume that I have ever encountered. On a sliver of notebook paper measuring about 2 inches by 5 inches, was a name and address and "Worked for Waffle House for 20 years." That's it! I mailed him an application with a note "We're hiring".

After two years of Hillary and Pelosi, even the slow learners among us will hate Democrats so badly that I could be elected President. Send those campaign contributions to ....................

I saw a picture of Bill and Hillary both smiling and some ridiculous caption about her in the White House in 2008. I can only assume that she was smiling because she can't wait for one of those Oval Office blowjobs that Bill told her about.

Democrats win on Tuesday, gas goes up ten cents a gallon on Wednesday. With gas prices rising at this rate, the Dems will probably make the Army walk home from Iraq.

Rep. Waxman of California says that his biggest problem is not whether to investigate but what to investigate first. He mentioned the War in Iraq and the government response to Hurricane Katrina, among other things.
Good thinking, Waxboy!!
First, investigate all those Democrats who voted to go to war and now are having their butts tattoed with "Hell, yes! I'll cut and run!" While the Democrats are fond of comparing Iraq to Vietnam, none of them have admitted that Kennedy and Johnson (both Democrats) put us in Vietnam.
After that, let's investigate decades of government projects that made people think that it was safe to build homes below sea level in New Orleans. Then let's call in all those folks who stayed around to loot at the Wal-Mart rather than evacuate the city. I guess leaving those big screen televisions at the WalMart was some kind of Republican plot. Was Cheney hunting that day?? Did Bush tell them not to use all those school buses? Since all of the elected officials in Louisiana tend to be Democrats, don't wait for this investigation to start.

Time to get on the campaign trail!!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Election 2006- Still no cure for stupidity!

Mercifully, the 2006 elections are over. America has demonstrated to the world that we are either a nation in need of a massive air drop of medication for bipolar disorder or that the average IQ just dropped another ten points. Analysts have spent the last three days explaining the election results, it is time to turn it over to the comedians. Maybe they can make sense of it. But before that, I'll take a shot at it.

"The Republicans lost because of the war in Iraq." Sure that makes sense. Of course it doesn't explain why Lincoln Chaffee, alleged Republican from Rhode Island, lost to a Democrat named Whitehouse. Chaffee voted against the war and everything else the Republicans have done. So why take him out? You would have to ask someone from Rhode Island if you could find them. Rhode Island has two senators, one for about every thirty people. I have talked to hundreds of people a week for the last 35 years and never met anyone from Rhode Island. Eighty per cent of Americans probably can't find it on a map. I can't decide if they named the state after the chicken or the chicken after the state. Who cares what they voted for in Rhode Island??

How about Joe Lieberman in Connecticut? He supported the war and still does. He lost in the Democratic primary to an anti-war candidate, so he left the Democrats and ran as an independent. All of the Democratic heavyweights campaigned against Joe. So naturally enough he won. Does this count as Democratic anti-war victory? According to the Democrats it does.

George Allen lost in Virginia to porno writer Jim Webb. Jim scored big in the northern Virginia area around DC. It might be time for Virginia to return that area to the District of Columbia.

Several analysts keep mentioning Mark Foley, the IM idiot. If Foley were a Democrat, he would be a folk hero. Democrats attacking Foley are hypocrites of Clintonian scale. They celebrate homosexuality as a virtue, unless you are a gay Republican. Foley should have just switched parties instead of resigning.

This morning, I saw Nancy Pelosi and George Bush promise to work in a bipartisan manner. Wait! Nancy represents San Francisco. In San Francisco, bipartisan means that a couple of gay males have convinced a lesbian to be a surrogate mother, through artificial insemination of course.

Heath Shuler won a seat in the House of Representatives by beating Charlie Taylor. Shuler's political experience consists of a couple of bad seasons quarterbacking the Washington Redskins. Shuler pledged to take "mountain values" to Washington. Will that be the "moonshine making" values or the "marrying your cousin" values?

In my favorite election here at home, Vernon Robinson lost to Brad Miller in the 13th House District. The local news idiots keep talking about how Miller won by almost a two to one margin. Wow!! That is almost the exact proportion of Democrats to Republicans in this district that Miller gerrymandered for himself when he was in the state legislature a few years ago. Vernon must have thought that he would get at least a few black votes in the district. Sorry, Vernon. They are not voting for a Republican even if he is black.

Voting problems??? Why is it that when the Democrats win we never hear about voting problems? I guess that machines only malfunction when they lose?

Send in the clowns!!