Saturday Gripes, Groans, and Moans

Going down Wendover Avenue the other day, I was alongside a North Carolina State Trooper. He had a Pepsi in one hand and his cellphone in the other. I don't even want to guess how he was steering the car. To think that they worry about the rest of us talking while driving.

Michael Vick plans to plead guilty on Monday. I cannot find where he visited my blog BUT, thanks for taking my advice, Mike. He should be sentenced to several years shoveling shit at an animal shelter.

Atlanta is trying to outlaw "sagging" pants. Given the demographics of the city, I think that they are swimming upstream on this one. I don't understand why people wear pants that are hanging at mid-thigh. Here are a few good rules of thumb to determine sagging:
1. If someone says, "I didn't know you wore a 36", you are sagging AND your underwear are inside out.
2. Someone says " You ought to see a doctor about that hemorrhoid." You're sagging AND you forgot to put on your boxers.
3. If you can take a dump without pulling down your pants, you are sagging. Don't forget to move your boxers before taking the aforementioned dump.

In reference to "sagging", these guys wear their pants so low that they have had to re-invent walking. Yes, walking! Most people walk by putting one foot in front of the other. Not so with "saggers". They have to swing their legs out in a semi-circular motion in order to keep their pants from interfering with walking. The good news is that "saggers" find it difficult to outrun the police.

As long as I'm griping about fashion, how about caps? Why do so many idiots wear their caps backwards? The purpose of the bill of the cap is to keep the sun or rain out of your face or eyes. Attention Dumbasses! The bill can't accomplish its purpose if it is backward or sideways. Want to make a fashion statement? Wear your hat correctly. For the ultimate in fashion statements, wear it correctly and remove it when you are inside a building. It rarely rains inside. Someone please get the word to Dale Earnhardt Jr. about the whole cap thing.

Attention men and women!! It is called UNDERWEAR. That means it gets worn UNDER your clothes. Frankly, the rest of us are getting tired of seeing your boxer shorts and bras at the grocery store. Save it for your loved ones.

If the people in Atlanta want to influence fashion, how about banning fat folks from wearing spandex? While they are at it, how about banning bicycle shorts? My ass aches at the thought of those things.