BREAKING NEWS!!

Anna Nicole Smith died from an accidental drug overdose!! In other shocking, late breaking news, the sun will rise tomorrow in the east.

In another expected twist, Anna's "companion", Howard K. Stern, blamed the media for her death. He claims that she would not go to the hospital for fear of the media attention. This is the same media that turned a sack of silicone into a celebrity. Go figure!

On "The View" today, renowned bull dyke and talk show host(ess) Rosie (Call me Butch) O'Donnell, stated that "almost everyone in the Bush Administration is under indictment or suspicion". This merely confirms Ann Coulter's claim a couple of weeks ago that it is now illegal to be a Republican. Pray tell, Mr. O'Donnell, exactly who is "under indictment" and "under suspicion" of what? Add Rosie's mouth to the list of things to duct tape over the weekend.

More things that I don't understand

1. March Madness and college basketball- North Carolina is basketball crazy this time every year. I turned on the TV tonight to see who was playing so that I would be able to communicate with people tomorrow at work. Kansas was playing UCLA and I managed to watch almost five minutes before turning to a PBS show about the history of the Lawrence Welk show. At least Lawrence spoke a form of English that I recognized. No announcer screaming "Look at him sky!" Or my personal favorite, "He's in there for a couple of minutes to give Frank a blow."

Bill Clinton was considering taking up basketball until he found out, as did I, that "give a blow" is slang for "give a breather". I was trying to picture Monica over by the bench with a towel over her head, and Bill's lap.

When I was the scorekeeper (at 4"10", even in 1967 they weren't going to let me play) for our Pierce Junior High basketball team, players would get sometimes get called for "traveling" or "palming the ball". Five minutes of UCLA-Kansas showed me that those rules are gone or not being enforced. A Kansas player dunked the ball after taking FOUR steps without dribbling. I guess to get called for "traveling" now, you have to tuck it under your arm at half court, take 15 steps, and miss the dunk. No one I have spoken to can remember "palming". The guys today weren't just palming. They were caressing, massaging, polishing the ball. There are pro football quarterbacks who don't hold the ball that long before throwing a pass!

What's all the fuss about dunking the ball? If you are 6'6" or taller, how much athletic ability does it take to dunk? People get excited when some 7' center gets the ball and turns around and crams it through the hoop. He doesn't even have to leave the ground. Want to put some excitement in the game? Move the basket from 10 feet high to 12 feet high. Given the difference in height between players of today and one hundred years ago, wouldn't that make sense?

Back in the Stone Age, right after you learned to dribble, you learned to shoot foul shots. Ever play Horse? UCLA has a guy who shoots somewhere in the 30% range on foul shots. At Pierce Junior High, you would have had to be the coach's son to stay with that stat. They wouldn't have given a jockstrap to a guy who couldn't shoot foul shots better than that.

Mercifully, there's only a week or so to go with this.

2. People with cell phones in their ears- I'm sorry, but I can't take anyone seriously who is walking around with a phone attached to their ear. This tells others that nothing is as important as the next shmuck who dials their number. "Can you wait just a minute, someone is calling with a survey." People tell me "I am expecting an important call" as a reason for this growth on their ear. That's great, but how will you separate that from the 100 other calls that you get before "the call" comes?

People tell me that it is all about taking advantage of the latest in high tech. You can call it Blue Tooth, blue bells, or blue balls, I don't give a rat's ass. Get the phone out of your ear!!!

Let's put this into perspective. Even at my age, I am expecting to have sex sometimes. But I'm not walking around with my zipper down, a condom hanging from my belt, and carrying a bottle of water with a six pack of Viagra taped to it. Let's agree that cell phone calls aren't as important as sex. Disconnect and live a little.

3. Intellectual property- What does that really mean? Is it like "I thought of it first?" I have seen posts on the INTERNET from guys that I know are morons, claiming that their posts are "intellectual property". It is best when they misspell "intellectual".

Ever go out to dinner on Friday night thinking that it will be busy later, so you will go at 5:00 PM? You get to the restaurant and it's full because everyone else thought the same thing. Did you sue them for using your intellectual property or does that only count if you posted it on the Internet? As they used to say when I was growing up, "I've got your intellectual property right here." I will not post the graphic to accompany the phrase.

Gore-bal Warming Hypocrisy

Larry Elder, "The Sage from South Central L.A.", has called it exactly right when he refers to the current mania sweeping the media as "Gore-bal warming". Al Gore has found that there is a dollar or two to be made with the global warming hysteria.

As the saying goes "I'd rather see a sermon than hear one". Big Al is all talk and no walk. Presented at his Senate appearance yesterday with a pledge of "personal energy ethics" by Sen. James Inhofe of Oklahoma, Big Al refused to take the pledge. Inhofe wanted Big Al to agree to reduce his home energy consumption to that of the average American household by March, 2008. Al wants all of us to sacrifice, but he doesn't want to make the same commitment. If Al really wants to reduce CO2 levels, here's two words. "STOP TALKING" or "STOP BREATHING". Pick one!

The answer my friend

My discussion of Al "The Big Bore" Gore and his global warming crusade has caused a complete lack of e-mails in my direction. So I will head in a different direction.

Distinguished Chinese physician, Dr. Mmey,has embarked on a crusade to lower colon cancer rates among American men. He advocates that the rise in colon cancer is due to men holding farts in public, on dates, and in front of their wives. This causes an increase in methane gas and pressure in the colon. This causes an increase in the growth of cancers. So as they sang in the '60s, "The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind".

My wife assures me that colon cancer should be low on my list of worries.

In related news, GEICO Insurance is concerned that if this theory holds water, Truth in Advertising laws will force them to show the cavemen in their ads farting profusely.

Monday Maniac

Reading the news today, I found that Al Gore has secured almost 300,000 signatures on his Internet petition asking Congress to take action on global warming. Imagine that! The man who claimed that he invented the Internet has secured almost 1/10 of one per cent of the US population on an Internet petition. People must really be excited! That is not as many schmucks as paid to see his movie(?), but it is getting close. That almost rivals the petition to make Klingon the official language of Arkansas, which has only 500,000 signatures.

Al is trying to get another 50,000 signatures before he appears before Congress later this week. The only people impressed with that number will be from South Dakota.

The John Edwards campaign has announced that they will try to be "carbon neutral". Reports that the "Breck Boy" will give up hairspray are premature. He may have to go to "the pump". Bob Dole heard this report and offered John his old pump. (This one takes some thought.)

David Yemm, who reads this blog for no apparent reason, e-mailed me to report that the polar ice caps on Mars are melting. David offers the theory that the sun may be going through a warming phase. Rather than argue with the global warming Nazis, I think that the little green men long rumored to be on Mars produce methane gas at rates that would make a cow green with envy.

Al Sharpton continues his search for his family ties to Strom Thurmond. He was spotted in his office Friday downloading an application to join the Sons of Confederate Veterans.

Things that I'll never understand

1. Ted Kennedy- sacrificed a young lady's life to save his career and he's still a Senator. Can't Massachusetts do any better than Ted?

2. Rosie O'Donnell- I don't even know where to start.

3. American Idol tryouts- If they are really your friends, tell them that they suck BEFORE Simon does.

4. Donald Trump's Hair- I think that if I can comb the hair on my ass up and over my head, my head will look about like Donald's.

5. The Simpsons- never watched it, don't even want to. I can get my intelligence insulted at work, thanks.

6. FOX television- Conservative news packed around programming that is a celebration of mediocrity and the degradation of human beings.

7. Rap music- The "c" in rap is silent. Makes Fox programming look like the religious station.

8. Contemporary Slang- Phrases that I will never use- "Don't go there", "That's what I'm talking about", "I can feel you", "Get your snack on"

9. College Basketball and March Madness- It's just a game.

Gripes and groans

Clinton fired all 93 US Attorneys, Bush fires 8, and the world is up in arms. Congress wants to know if Karl Rove had anything to do with the firings. We still don't know if Hillary had anything to do with the 93 firings, what's the hurry with Karl? Overlooked in all of this is that ALL US attorneys serve at the will of the President.

Scooter Libby was found guilty of lying about a crime that never happened. Unable to convict someone of actually breaking the law, prosecutors spend time trying to get hundreds of statements and then hope that some contradict. Can you remember every aspect of conversations that you had three years ago?? This is like the Martha Stewart case. Unable to prove insider trading, they charged her with lying. If lying were a serious crime, members of the Senate and House would all be wearing electronic ankle bracelets.

Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, told an interviewer that he feels that homosexuality is immoral and Washington went insane. Senator John Warner of Virginia criticized Pace. Warner was once described as "Elizabeth Taylor's fag hag" by Anne Coulter. Of course, Anne is in hot water for implying that John Edwards is a "faggot". Anne hit the nail on the head when she said that when you call someone a faggot today, you have to go to rehab. Evidently those in Washington have lost their minds and what remains of their moral compasses. They have confused tolerance with acceptance. It is not enough to tolerate homosexuality, one must now endorse it. Sorry, but I will pass on this one. I don't have time for rehab.

In the 2004 campaign, Edwards and Kerry couldn't keep their hands off each other at joint appearances. Frankly, watching two grown men, even Democrats, play grabass is more than I can take. In the primaries that year, I heard several Democrats refer to John Edwards as the "Breck boy". Any of those guys in rehab?

In local politics, Dianne Smellamy-Balls was rescued by the Pulpit Forum, who claimed that she is the victim of racism. Of course, everyone defended by the Pulpit Forum has been a victim of racism. The dictionary defines racist as someone who judges everything by race. Sure sounds like the Pulpit Forum to me.

How about that global warming? Disagree with the global warming crowd and you end up in rehab with the folks who don't endorse homosexuality. Could we use a little objectivity and common sense here? Of course not, we are talking about liberals. Thirty years ago,the story was the coming Ice Age. What happened??

Katie Couric has a new guy in charge of the CBS Evening News. Maybe he can get her Vulcan makeup artist to do something about those eyebrows.

I had a run-in with a credit card company last week. You have to love those guys. If you buy something, it is charged to your account in seconds. Make a payment and it takes a day or two to get posted. What is the believability level of this claim? Why don't they just own up to screwing people? Is there some magic in purchases that is not in payments?

Like the news media, the control of banking in this country is being concentrated in the hands of fewer and fewer companies. You can't read about because they are holding the loans on the media mergers. "Don't bite the hand........."

In North Carolina BB&T, Wachovia, and Bank of America control most of the market share in banking. Consequently we have the highest banking charges in the country. A customer told me the other day that BB & T charged him $38 for an overdraft. I checked with my bank, not one of the big three, they charge $20. Of course BB&T can return it from a bigger building to you.

Last but not least, Al Sharpton is criticizing Barack Obama. I knew that once Al started trying to prove that he is related to Strom Thurmond, things would go down hill.

WAIT!!! One more item. John "Breck Boy" Edwards was in Greensboro this week. The headline in the next day's News & Record was "Chasing Black Votes". When you see a headline that reads "Chasing White Votes", call me.

What's important in your life??

The Grimsley High School swim team holds their awards dinner at Tex & Shirley's every year. At least, they have for the last five or six years. This year, they scheduled it for Sunday, March 4. They have always met at 5:00 PM so that we have room to accommodate the 70 or 80 folks that show up for this event.

This year I got a phone call from the student in charge about a week before the dinner. She asked if they could change the time to 6:30 PM. I explained to her that the only reason that we were able to accommodate a crowd of that size was that at 5:00 PM we weren't busy. At 6:30, they would cause problems with seating our regular Sunday evening customers. She said that 5:00 would be OK and hung up. On Thursday afternoon I was visited by one of the parents who asked if we could change the start time to 6:30 PM. I gave her the same explanation and pointed out that they had always met at 5:00. She explained that several parents were not going to come if it was at 5:00 because it conflicted with the UNC-Duke basketball game on TV. She asked if my regular customers would be there with UNC-Duke on TV. I assured her that not everyone would be watching the game. I finally ended up agreeing to move it to 6:00 for this year. We still had about 20% fewer people attend than in past years.

Frankly, I am stunned by parents who tell their children that they are going to watch a basketball game on TV rather than go see their child receive an award. Don't they have a VCR? Is a game on TV more important than celebrating the accomplishments of your children? What's important in your life??