Saturday, March 24, 2007

More things that I don't understand

1. March Madness and college basketball- North Carolina is basketball crazy this time every year. I turned on the TV tonight to see who was playing so that I would be able to communicate with people tomorrow at work. Kansas was playing UCLA and I managed to watch almost five minutes before turning to a PBS show about the history of the Lawrence Welk show. At least Lawrence spoke a form of English that I recognized. No announcer screaming "Look at him sky!" Or my personal favorite, "He's in there for a couple of minutes to give Frank a blow."

Bill Clinton was considering taking up basketball until he found out, as did I, that "give a blow" is slang for "give a breather". I was trying to picture Monica over by the bench with a towel over her head, and Bill's lap.

When I was the scorekeeper (at 4"10", even in 1967 they weren't going to let me play) for our Pierce Junior High basketball team, players would get sometimes get called for "traveling" or "palming the ball". Five minutes of UCLA-Kansas showed me that those rules are gone or not being enforced. A Kansas player dunked the ball after taking FOUR steps without dribbling. I guess to get called for "traveling" now, you have to tuck it under your arm at half court, take 15 steps, and miss the dunk. No one I have spoken to can remember "palming". The guys today weren't just palming. They were caressing, massaging, polishing the ball. There are pro football quarterbacks who don't hold the ball that long before throwing a pass!

What's all the fuss about dunking the ball? If you are 6'6" or taller, how much athletic ability does it take to dunk? People get excited when some 7' center gets the ball and turns around and crams it through the hoop. He doesn't even have to leave the ground. Want to put some excitement in the game? Move the basket from 10 feet high to 12 feet high. Given the difference in height between players of today and one hundred years ago, wouldn't that make sense?

Back in the Stone Age, right after you learned to dribble, you learned to shoot foul shots. Ever play Horse? UCLA has a guy who shoots somewhere in the 30% range on foul shots. At Pierce Junior High, you would have had to be the coach's son to stay with that stat. They wouldn't have given a jockstrap to a guy who couldn't shoot foul shots better than that.

Mercifully, there's only a week or so to go with this.

2. People with cell phones in their ears- I'm sorry, but I can't take anyone seriously who is walking around with a phone attached to their ear. This tells others that nothing is as important as the next shmuck who dials their number. "Can you wait just a minute, someone is calling with a survey." People tell me "I am expecting an important call" as a reason for this growth on their ear. That's great, but how will you separate that from the 100 other calls that you get before "the call" comes?

People tell me that it is all about taking advantage of the latest in high tech. You can call it Blue Tooth, blue bells, or blue balls, I don't give a rat's ass. Get the phone out of your ear!!!

Let's put this into perspective. Even at my age, I am expecting to have sex sometimes. But I'm not walking around with my zipper down, a condom hanging from my belt, and carrying a bottle of water with a six pack of Viagra taped to it. Let's agree that cell phone calls aren't as important as sex. Disconnect and live a little.

3. Intellectual property- What does that really mean? Is it like "I thought of it first?" I have seen posts on the INTERNET from guys that I know are morons, claiming that their posts are "intellectual property". It is best when they misspell "intellectual".

Ever go out to dinner on Friday night thinking that it will be busy later, so you will go at 5:00 PM? You get to the restaurant and it's full because everyone else thought the same thing. Did you sue them for using your intellectual property or does that only count if you posted it on the Internet? As they used to say when I was growing up, "I've got your intellectual property right here." I will not post the graphic to accompany the phrase.


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