Satireday

What's the point of all those septum piercings? Do the nose rings make it any easier to lead all of those liberal women around? If they would pair that nose ring with a couple of nipple piercings, you could hook up a three-point hitch to your girl.

On his television show years ago, Donald Trump used to tell people, "You're fired!" Apparently, that wasn't your average television "reality" show. Why are people surprised he still does that?

I am so old that I remember when you went to the sideshow at the Florida State Fair to see a tattooed woman. Now you just have to walk into a convenience store, school, bar, restaurant or Walmart. 

Spring appears to be here. But I live in North Carolina, so it's too early to put away the coats. There are still a couple of weeks left to squeeze in another frosty morning.

I sold some of my fine wares at a couple of flea markets last week and I can assure you that we will have a bumper crop of idiots coming in a few weeks. Who knew that "stupid" was this contagious?

Memo to Thom Tillis: If running for Governor of North Carolina is on your To-Do list, go ahead and take that shit off of your list. Sorry Thom, but you are just a little bit less popular than jock itch in your home state.

The News and Observer published a lengthy puff piece about Sir Thom Tillis of Carolina the other day. In it, they wrote about how Thom Tillis left his job at PriceWaterhouse that paid about a million dollars a year, to be a state legislator at less than $14,000 a year. Who does that? Someone who is tuned in to the hidden side benefits of being in government. The kickbacks and payoffs must be incredible. But of course, no one questioned that in the article. I won't say anything profanely bad about the writer, but when Thom Tillis farts, that writer is the first one to know. 

When a single Senator can block a US Attorney or Federal Judge appointment, democracy is officially on life support. Yet that is the system employed in the United States Senate. It's time to bring democracy to the United States Senate. End the filibuster! End the blue slip system! Term limits for Senators are needed. End Congressional pensions!! People shouldn't go to Washington as a lifelong career choice. 

It's time to throw in the towel on professional politicians. It's time to stop letting Congress make the rules about what Congress can do. Isn't that the old wolf watching the hen house story?

Mercifully, we are down to the last couple of games in the NCAA basketball tournament. Or America's biggest gambling event, whichever you prefer. I will watch basketball when they move to basket to 12 feet high and they start calling "traveling" again. There are NFL running backs averaging fewer yards per carry than basketball players.

Got a Tale by the Tiger?

Tiger Woods has a new career that does NOT involve golf. Today he was named as the Chief Instructor at the Ted Kennedy School of Island Driving. Ted was the only guy to ever drive off that bridge on Chappaquiddick Island and only Tiger has ever rolled a car on that street on Jupiter Island.

We are starting a drive to help out Tiger. We are going to collect old prescription bottles, narcotics bottles are preferred, and send them to Tiger so he won't just have to throw his pills into his pants pockets. He looks like such an ordinary addict with the pills just tossed into his pockets. I can't believe that nobody told him about plastic bags. He's a billionaire and he can't come up with fake prescriptions to cover his ass when things go wrong? What's he doing with all of that money? Other than buying drugs, of course.

Tiger and his attorneys have asked for a jury trial. Shouldn't his attorneys have waited for him to sober up before making this decision? A guy with his driving record must have been stoned to make that decision. I am not going to wait for a jury of twelve Floridians to decide that they want to let a billionaire drive like a US Senator. It's not like this is his first accident. Of course, it wasn't Ted's either.

I don't know if putting your life into the hands of twelve jurors who might be old white people who are tennis fans will always work out for you. A bench trial would take a few days. A jury trial is probably going to take at least a week. The guy who wants to go out of the country for treatment because he wants privacy, wants a jury trial. Was he just too trashed to know what "jury trial" meant when they asked him? 

If Tiger had not had a great surgeon to take care of his mangled leg after his last accident a few years ago in California, he would have had someone else driving him the other day. I don't think that he even got a ticket for that wreck. Maybe medicine doesn't have all of the answers. They just fixed him up so that he could do it all again.

Will Tiger be the first guy on the Senior Tour to have a "Designated Driver"? 

By his own account, Tiger was driving down the road trying to adjust the radio and do something with his cell phone. There are no reports about how fast he was going, but I am pretty sure that data is in his car's computer waiting for the police to get a warrant to find it. Even without him admitting to being ripped, it's a bad case of misplaced priorities. It was a narrow road with a big pickup truck and a large trailer behind it. Check out the pictures.

You can bet your ass that we would have better information about the accident and better pictures of the scene if Tiger had wrecked his car in Polk County, where Sheriff Grady Judd runs the show. If you haven't heard of Grady, check with Mr. Google.

Here's a chance for the judicial system in Florida to show that they treat everyone fairly. If Tiger keeps his driver's license after this incident, there's no justice in Florida.

No Kings, No Brains, No Service, The Sequel

There were "No Kings" protests across the land yesterday. I am fascinated to learn that drag queens participate in "No Kings" rallies. Maybe it is time for a "No Queens" rally. That would just be for equality purposes. You know the old saying, "What's good for the gander is good for the goose?" Would a "No Queens" rally be some form of sexual discrimination? Before you answer, if you claim that it is sexual discrimination, then so is a "No Kings" rally. You just can't have it both ways.

We are apparently the only nation on earth where "kings" are elected. We are the only nation where "kings" can only serve two four-year terms. In the history of the nation, only two sons of Presidents were later elected President. That doesn't sound like the makings of any dynasty to me. 

Good news for the leftist nutcases out protesting on "No Kings" demonstration day. We do have "Kings" and "Queens" in the United States. Instead of Kings and Queens, we call them "federal judges".

Yes, I said that federal judges are kings and queens. Unlike Donald Trump and almost every other President, federal judges are not elected. They are selected, not elected. They hold lifetime terms. You can count the federal judges removed from office in the last 235 years on your two hands.  No taking off your shoes to count your toes is needed. We need to eliminate lifetime terms for federal judges. We need actual accountability for the job performances of federal judges.  

The problem is that Congress is going to have to change the law to end the tyranny of lifetime federal judges. The language in the Constitution is not specific enough for professional legislators and government administrators to understand. Federal Judgeships are established by Article III of the Constitution. It reads:

"The judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish. The Judges, both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour, and shall, at stated Times, receive for their Services, a Compensation, which shall not be diminished during their Continuance in Office."

That has been interpreted to mean lifetime terms. Of course, that was interpreted by the people who had been appointed to be federal judges. There is something wrong with a system that allows those who serve to decide that they have lifetime jobs. There is certainly a case to be made that rulings that cause great cost and affect to the voters is not "good behaviour" I also don't think that partisanship is "good behaviour" in a judge charged with being non-partisan. 

Are dumbass, leftist American citizens and their illegal immigrant accomplices out marching, protesting, rioting and damaging property to end lifetime terms for federal judges? They call people who are elected very four years and cannot serve more than two terms "kings".  Some people are incredibly stupid or just professional troublemakers.

There are a few conclusions that one can draw from yesterday's events. The left values anger over reason. Common sense isn't. "Peaceful" protests aren't. "Hate" is not limited to one political viewpoint. People who don't obey the law want everyone else to obey the law. The hypocrisy of the left is absolutely breath taking.

The saddest part for me is that I grew up with a lot of those people who were out marching yesterday. Look at a lot of those people in the pictures. They aren't kids, they are old farts. They were all marching in the 1960's and the 1970's. That is all that they know how to do. They are pissed because Donald Trump, from their generation, sits in the White House after being elected twice. They had their chance to change the world and they failed. Now, they go march on Saturday while an illegal immigrant mows their lawn. And it makes them feel good. 

Saturday Morning Confusion, the Saga Continues

 Democrats are looking for a presidential candidate that their entire party can back. Call them if you are a transsexual, illegal immigrant of color with a minimum of thirty arrests in New York, Illinois, Minnesota or Washington, DC. If you have facial tattoos, it could put you over the top. Bonus points for being on multiple kinds of welfare programs.

Someone needs to teach Tiger Woods how to use a driver. Uber? Taxi? Limo? How many accidents do you have before it's time to turn in your driver's license and go to rehab? It's time, Tiger. People are saying now that he is the black John Daly!!

Tiger managed to roll his Land Rover in a 30 MPH zone. I am not going out on a limb here by suggesting that Tiger was speeding. That's a gimme!! This is his second arrest in Jupiter, Florida. Maybe he should move to a better neighborhood where people don't drive while under the influence of drugs. He passed the breathalyzer test but refused to provide a urine specimen for a test. This is his standard practice in his vehicle rollover incidents. Nothing screams, "I am on drugs" like refusing to be tested for drugs after rolling your SUV in a 30 MPH zone.

Maybe Tiger just does not understand the difference between golf and driving a car. In golf, they want to drive to the green. In driving cars, you want to stay on the blacktop and off of the green. Maybe if they painted the streets in Jupiter, Florida green, Tiger would stop wrecking his car.

Is Tiger the reason that the PGA doesn't let golfers drive golf carts in tournaments until they are on the Senior Tour? If he keeps this up, Tiger will be the first golfer on the Senior tour with a "designated driver".

The talking turds on television keep talking about all of the operations that Tiger has had over the years and how much pain he is in. Maybe it is just me, but if I made my living playing a sport that destroyed my health, I would consider other work. If he would give up the drugs, he probably has enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life, provided that he stops driving a car. Let's face it, Tiger lives in Florida. He could easily find some rich, old, ugly white woman to support his driving habit.

Today is the monthly "No Kings Rally" across the liberal cities in the country. If you want to start a riot at one of those rallies, take a large banner that says, "No king, but Jesus." You will clear that crowd in seconds. Liberals will run away from that message. 

An example of a king would be people who lost an election but think that they are still in charge of the country anyway. Chuck "The Schmuck" Schumer comes to mind for some reason. Chuck is a walking case for voluntary euthanasia. His House sidekick, Hockhim Jeffries, is in the same sinking boat with Chuck but doesn't know it. Hockhim is a graduate of the Gavin Newsome School of Speech. I have seen people using sign language who don't wave their hands and arms as much as Hockhim does while speaking. We could shut him up with a pair of handcuffs. One would think that with all of the liberals scattered across the country, the Democrats could get some leaders from outside of New York City. 

More than fifty years ago I spent several years working for Quick Foods in Florida. We were the Waffle House's largest franchisee. Chuck the Schmuck and Hockhim were representative of the Yankee scum that we dreaded seeing show up in Florida every winter. If I had a dollar for every time that I told some Yankee, "I don't give a rat's ass how you do it in New York!", I could have retired twenty years ago.

Not to ignore the Republicans side of politics, how about the charisma and leadership qualities of that John Thune guy? I wouldn't let him lead our dog out into the front yard to take a shit. Senate Republicans must have thought that politics had evolved into a basketball game. The thought process, if there was one, must have been something like, "Let's make the tall guy the leader." There are days that I find myself missing mindless Mitch McConnell.

Out of solidarity with other short guys, I am going to give Mike Johnson a pass in today's rant. I will catch you on another day, Mike.

Finally, Jimmy Kimmel is making fun of Markwayne Mullin for having owned and operated a plumbing business. Obviously, Kimmel is jealous of anyone who has had a real job. Kimmel's biggest concern about Mullin is that as a plumber, Mullin knows what a real piece of shit looks like and may flush Kimmel sometime soon.

NCAA Tournament??

 If colleges and universities held professors and teachers to the same standards as they do for head coaches, your kids might actually learn something while in school. Evidently coaching contracts don't have the same legal longevity as "tenure". Can anyone even name a professor who has been fired?

UNC has fired their basketball coach, Hubert Davis, because they couldn't win in the NCAA tournament with the consistency that the fans/alumni demand. If you guessed that none of the players are jobless, you are correct. 

Why aren't teachers/professors held to the same performance standards as athletic coaches? If your kid can't score, he's off the team. If he can't read, he's on the Dean's List. If the athletes can't perform and win, the coach loses his job. If your kid can't read, nobody at school knows or cares. How many professors get sacked when your kid can't make change for a dollar? Call me if any of this makes sense.

On a personal basis, I have hired and worked with a lot of college students over the last 50 years or so. Put me down as decidedly unimpressed with the accomplishments of higher education. I have had employees who were college grads and didn't know why we celebrate July 4. Don't even get me started on the MBA's! Which Dollar Tree has the most "Gender Studies" majors working for them? By now, even the slow among you get my point.

Just a reminder, normally, you get what you pay for, and public education is ostensibly free. Of course, private colleges and universities are cranking out losers who don't know anything either. So, let's strike cost as a factor. Maybe, the schools and those running them are more into indoctrinating students than educating them. There's not a lot of calculus or American History being taught to people out protesting the arrests of criminals. 

The NCAA tournament starts with 64 teams. and ends with one team winning it all. Aside from the mathematics of the situation, which is that 63 teams are losers, the odds of the situation should teach us that you better have a Plan B in your life. But few "student-athletes" do.

The Final Four is like the World Series, the Super Bowl and the college football championship game. They are always described as the "ultimate game" and yet they are always played again a year later. They are all the same. A bunch of millionaires get together and do something with a ball. It's all going to happen again next year. Why should I even give a shit?

College basketball, baseball and football are just taxpayer funded minor league systems for professional sports. Is this really the best use of our tax money? How will the worship of sports help the United States endure for the ages?

The biggest beneficiary of college sports appears to be the sports gambling industry. It's grown so much that you can now bet on what the next play or score will be. When I worked for Casa Gallardo back in the early 1980's, we had a general manager in Tampa who would watch baseball games in the bar and bet with people on what the next pitch would be. Who knew then that he was setting a model for future sports betting?

This weekend in college basketball starts with the "Sweet Sixteen". That's the survivors of last week's games. Half of the teams will win and survive to briefly be the "Elite Eight." By late Sunday they will be down to the "Final Four". Next weekend will mercifully be the "Final Four." I don't want to tell the NCAA anything but, there's no alliteration in "Elite Eight". Pack it in on that name.  

Since it is "college sports" and all of the participants are "student athletes", let's get the NCAA to stop awarding the trophies until at least all of the starters on the winning teams have graduated. That would enable the NCAA to operate a museum that would probably have at least 99% of the trophies for fans to see all in one location. 

As the legendary broadcaster Charlie Harvill used to say, "That's the best in sports today!"

Short Shots or The ADHD RMOL Edition?

 If "Drag queen" is a guy dressed as a woman, is a woman dressed as a man a "drag king"? I think that calling some woman who looks like a man, "butch" is so 1950's. Let's go with "Drag Kings".

I took a quick poll on that subject this morning at a flea market. One guy, who may have been older than me, said, "What happened to bull dykes?"  I told him that animal rights activists were busy protecting the reputation of bulls.

If Trump declares a national war on cancer, Schumer and Jeffries are going to come out in support of the disease. 

You are reading the writings of a man who has never watched a "podcast". I don't even know where to find them. More important than that, I don't even know why I would want to watch one. Don't bother telling me how to see any!!

When I was in high school, the man who was our Sunday School teacher at Faith Methodist Church was a Hillsborough County Schools administrator. I remember him because he told us that his family did not have a television set at home. I ran into about ten years later and the first thing I asked him was if they had a television set. He laughed and said that they did. I tried to watch the news tonight and realized that he was on to something by not having a television at home.

In Tampa, we attended two Methodist churches in about a twenty-year period. Faith UMC is now a Spanish language Methodist church. First UMC is now The Portico, a part of Hyde Park UMC. Their website reminds me of why I left the United Methodist Church. If you are a church looking for a future, apparently you don't want me as a member.

I am still trying to convince my wife to start a consulting business for married women who don't think that they can get an ID after changing their name at marriage. She said that she doesn't want to meet that many stupid Democrats.

My problem with Republicans, other than Trump, is that they don't believe in payback, retribution, getting even, or whatever you call it in your dialect. Democrats do stupid stuff because they know that Republicans don't have the stomach for payback. Let's change that!!

Governor Prickster of Illinois is on a diet. The company producing Wegovy has seen a huge surge in their stock price with all of the free publicity from Governor Lardass. It doesn't matter what he weighs, he's still an arrogant, leftist prick. He just won't be fat, temporarily.

Governor Prickster could lose weight quicker if he just did a 24-hour fast every time someone was murdered in Illinois. 

There's enough fraud in California to last until the Presidential election of 2028 is over and Greasy Gavin will still be living in California. 

If California elects a Republican governor this year, Newsome can go ahead and cancel that Presidential run. There won't be enough water in California to wash away all of the dirt coming out about Gavin. Hell, they didn't have enough water to put out a fire in LA.

Jesse Ventura should be doing public service ads about the dangers of steroids. It could be one of those "Don't say stupid shit like I do" opportunities. He claims that the assassination attempt on Trump in Pennsylvania was faked. Ventura offered no explanation about the guy who was actually shot dead by the sniper or the two people who were wounded. If not a steroids warning, maybe Jesse could be pushing mandatory vaccines for Trump Derangement Syndrome?

Dem Dam Dumbass Dims Detest Democracy

The Dims are at it again. Unable or unwilling to change our immigration laws, they are trying to end enforcement of those laws. They think that if they make air travel a living hell for Americans, they can get their way. Memo to Dims: Air travelers vote too!

Schumer, Jeffries and the rest of the Communist are trying to keep the immigration laws from being enforced. This is all part of their support of the liberals and their 21st Century slavery revival. Yes, that's what illegal immigration is all about, the pursuit of cheap labor.

Unable to change the immigration laws, Dims seek to prevent the federal government from enforcing those laws. Shouldn't they at least be honest enough to admit this to the voters?

This is like admitting that highway accidents cause thousands of deaths a year while trying to defund the enforcement of traffic laws. I can't believe that liberals aren't pushing to eliminate the Highway Patrols or State Police in many states

The libs accidentally let Nancy Pelosi speak for their immigration policy a few months ago.  She went into a rant about how we needed people to harvest our crops and take care of our children. The news cameras all seem to have malfunctioned at that point, so we don't know what else Nancy thinks that illegal immigrants are needed for in our country. She hasn't been asked about illegal immigration since, I wonder why?

If you have video footage of a Democrat telling us that we need more illegal immigrants who are doctors or lawyers or nuclear physicists, feel free to post a link in the comment section. I am not going to wait by the comments section for those links to arrive.

Let's face it, Dims are looking for cheap labor to do our dirty work. You will notice that we aren't farming out political positions to illegal immigrants. Illegal immigrants are doing the work that Americans don't want to do. This is just modern-day slavery! Democrats supported slavery in the 19th Century in America, and this is just the updated 21st Century version, that they are supporting today.

Slave quarters are now referred today as "public housing". In the 19th Century, slavery advocates talked about how much better off slaves were here than they were in Africa. Today, we are told how much safer it is for them here in the United States than it is in Third World countries. 

We are in this position because of LBJ's "Great Society". We decided that we would start paying people not to work. We decided to support single women becoming baby factories. We rewarded people for having children that they could not or would not support. We pay people who are not working and will never work. People who are given a choice between working and making a living or not working and just eking out an existence, are picking "not working". Or they are working at jobs like drug dealing or prostitution or shoplifting. Welcome to the 21st Century Democratic Party slavery system!

We are paying for illegal immigrants to be here while paying some Americans to do nothing. This is a system on the fast track to a national suicide. Other illegal immigrants are working hard on defrauding the government through manipulating government programs, the Somali community in Minnesota comes to mind for some reason. Do we not have enough native-born American criminals? Do we have to import people to steal our tax dollars?

It's an easy choice. You can either be a Democrat, or you can want the United States to thrive. Pick wisely!!