Kimmel Keeps Killing Them?? And more.

 The world's unfunniest (Is that even a word?") comedian struck again last week. Jimmy Kimmel described Melania Trump as an "expectant widow" a few days before an assassin invaded the Washington Hilton in an attempt to kill the President and members of his administration. Last night, Kimmel was trying again to explain he was only joking. 

I have never actually watched Kimmel on his alleged comedy show. It is broadcast way too late for an old guy to watch. His attempt yesterday to explain his remarks failed as miserably as the ratings of his alleged "show". I am sorry, but he just isn't entertaining. 

If you are a Kimmel follower and I can't believe that anyone reading this would be, please direct me to the videos of Jimmy Kimmel describing Jill Biden as "having the glow of an expectant widow". Let's face it. Joe Biden looks and acts much closer to death than Donald Trump. Yet, Kimmel is strangely quiet on that issue. I would ask why, but we all know that Kimmel is just another ass-licking liberal claiming to be a comedian. Did Jimmy know that Jill was the one really running the Oval Office?

I don't watch anything on ABC, so I don't even need to bother boycotting them. All you really need to know is that this is a network where the "News" department produces "The View". If they have a quality control department at ABC, there is no actual evidence that it exists. They could eliminate that group without anyone even noticing.  I'm sorry, but as an entertainment enterprise, they just suck. Does ABC even have any agenda other than hating Donald Trump?  What MBA candidate convinced them that attacking a President of the United States on an hourly basis was the road to fame and fortune? You can get back to me on that.

Nothing warms my heart like seeing a wannabe Trump assassin stripped of his clothing and lying buck naked face down on the floor at the Washington Hilton. People were actually complaining because police officers strip searched the assailant. Sorry, but they were not going to take his word that he wasn't carrying any other weapons. Hey! At least, they did throw that silver blanket thing over him as he laid there naked on the floor.

Before the attention deficit thing takes off here, let me get back to the alleged comic, Komrade Kimmel. He should be treated for Trump Derangement Syndrome by being removed from his job at ABC. He needs to join some kind of 12 step program for Commie Comics. He should prove his popularity by taking his show on the road and charging $400 or $500 a seat to listen to his swill. That way the people who are his fans can see him without the rest of us being compelled to change television stations constantly to avoid his alleged "humor". 

Spring Flings??

 Eric Swalwell, who occasionally shows up for his job as a Congressman, is living proof that shit really is everywhere. He has missed more than 60% of the votes in Congress while he travels from his home near D.C. to California to run for Governor. This guy is more than your run of the mill scumsucker!

Swalwell is not even the pick of the litter in the Democratic pool of candidates for governor of America's largest mental institution. They also have Katie Porter, the Nurse Ratched of California. If they elect Porter, they will save millions in government staffing expenses as they won't be able to find anyone willing to work for that bitch. Swalwell will squander the taxpayer's dollars by constantly ordering Chinese to be delivered to his office. This might be the year that California ends the statewide rectal-cranial inversion and elects a Republican. 

Instead of Representatives and Senators having to buy or rent homes in the DC area while they are serving in Congress, let's build a barracks complex like those on military bases where those serving in Congress can live. They could save those who are bribing them a lot of money, and we would be able to get them back to work quickly when they are needed to vote on something. They wouldn't be lingering over any four course meals in the mess hall. What kind of wine do you serve with Sloppy Joes? Why shouldn't Congress get the same level of housing that they give people who defend our freedom?

This is Masters week, in case you missed a previous rant where I discussed this. This is one of those times that I thank God for my eyesight being afflicted with color deficiency. Yes, Masters green, money green, fairway green, putting green, puke green, and Trump haters green with envy, all look pretty much the same color to me. I will pass on the egg salad sandwiches. And the pimento cheese.

The color deficiency thing also works well to respond to all of those fashion experts who want to tell me that the color of my shirt doesn't go with the color of the pants that I am wearing. We won't even get into the tie thing. Interestingly enough, this used to happen at church more often than anywhere else. Hell, I figured that they would just be glad that I was there. I have solved those problems. Now, plaid is my favorite color.

I have heard all about Jeffrey Epstein that I can take. Memo to multiple morons: The son of a bitch is dead! Let it go!! We had a brain-dead President for four years who was fascinated by young girls and liked sniffing their hair. Where were all of People's Pervert Police then? Are you investigating Biden?  Of course not. Instead, Democrats are making wild-ass claims about the only politician on record as banning Epstein from his property.  The Trump Derangement Syndrome is real and is an epidemic in the Democratic Party. Dims can't breathe without hating Trump. Trump should declare a national mental health emergency and seek funding to fight TDS. Dr. Fauci should be able to come up with some kind of mask and distancing requirements. 

I am surprised that Dims haven't voted to establish a National Day of Mourning for Thomas Crooks, the Pennsylvania shooter. And then there is former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura, who claims that the Trump assassination attempt was staged. If you needed any more proof about the danger of steroids, Jesse has provided that for you.

There is a lot of evidence that civilization began in the area of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. Given the continuing struggles in the Middle East, one might place a winning bet that civilization will end in that same area.

Two Week Timeout??

Pope Leo has criticized President Trump over his statements about destroying Iran if Iran does not agree to end the war. The Pope has also the urged Israeli President Isaac Herzog to end the war, urging him to "reopen all paths of dialogue". No word on whether or not the Pope has communicated with the Ayatollah of the Week about ending the war by stopping attacks on Israel and the Gulf countries.

Iran has started the ceasefire by firing missiles at Israel. Apparently, the camel riding messengers in Iran haven't yet made their way to all of the military outposts with news of the ceasefire.

Democrats are all screaming for the 25th Amendment to be invoked and Trump removed from office. Apparently, the Democrats were okay with Rip Van Winkle Biden sleeping through his four years at the White House.  Here's a complete list of every Democrat who called for Biden to be removed via the 25th Amendment. 1.   2.   3.   4.  5.   

Calling Democrats "Drama Queens" is an insult to real "drama queens" everywhere. If Democrats will just save all of those faces for Halloween this year, it will be a good time for Trick or Treaters.

Democrats claim to be shocked by Trump's language. Do they ever listen to what they say themselves? Are they just stupid? Is it all just lies?  Is there anything that Democrats don't say for political purposes?

Just for shits and grins, let's put some Democrats on trial for treason. We could sell tickets to benefit the war effort against Iran.

The Masters Golf Tournament is this week. If you think that I even care about that, you are evidently a first-time reader. The good news about the Masters is that once having sold your home and children to buy tickets on the open market, the concessions are at 1970's price levels. You can get a pimento cheese sandwich for $1.50. That's just another reason for me not to go.

I can't believe that anyone will even attend the Masters without Tiger Woods in attendance. He won't be there because they don't let the players use golf carts. That and he purports to be in some foreign country getting privacy and a rehab program for a drug problem that he claims not to have.

I saw a clip the other day where a Fox News personality was claiming that the only thing Tiger had done wrong was to be distracted by his phone. He claimed that Tiger had a prescription for the pills found in his pocket. I made a note not to watch anything that person would be appearing on in the future. 

Woods rolled his car in a 30 MPH zone and failed a field sobriety test and refused a urine test. Direct me to another time in history that someone rolled a car on that street while going the speed limit. Golf skills notwithstanding, Tiger Woods is a lousy driver. He was seriously injured in a single car accident when he ran off the road at high speed in California a few years ago. In my world, we call this a "trend".

I keep hearing from liberals that bombing bridges and power plants are war crimes. WOW! What about the Twin Towers and the Pentagon? What about all of those homes and buildings in Israel being attacked after the ceasefire started? 

Memo to morons and/or Democrats: Iran has been at war with us since 1979. The best thing about that is they kept Jimmy Carter from getting a second term.

We didn't move heaven and earth to rescue a downed US flyer over the weekend because we thought that Iran would treat him well. 

Satireday

What's the point of all those septum piercings? Do the nose rings make it any easier to lead all of those liberal women around? If they would pair that nose ring with a couple of nipple piercings, you could hook up a three-point hitch to your girl.

On his television show years ago, Donald Trump used to tell people, "You're fired!" Apparently, that wasn't your average television "reality" show. Why are people surprised he still does that?

I am so old that I remember when you went to the sideshow at the Florida State Fair to see a tattooed woman. Now you just have to walk into a convenience store, school, bar, restaurant or Walmart. 

Spring appears to be here. But I live in North Carolina, so it's too early to put away the coats. There are still a couple of weeks left to squeeze in another frosty morning.

I sold some of my fine wares at a couple of flea markets last week and I can assure you that we will have a bumper crop of idiots coming in a few weeks. Who knew that "stupid" was this contagious?

Memo to Thom Tillis: If running for Governor of North Carolina is on your To-Do list, go ahead and take that shit off of your list. Sorry Thom, but you are just a little bit less popular than jock itch in your home state.

The News and Observer published a lengthy puff piece about Sir Thom Tillis of Carolina the other day. In it, they wrote about how Thom Tillis left his job at PriceWaterhouse that paid about a million dollars a year, to be a state legislator at less than $14,000 a year. Who does that? Someone who is tuned in to the hidden side benefits of being in government. The kickbacks and payoffs must be incredible. But of course, no one questioned that in the article. I won't say anything profanely bad about the writer, but when Thom Tillis farts, that writer is the first one to know. 

When a single Senator can block a US Attorney or Federal Judge appointment, democracy is officially on life support. Yet that is the system employed in the United States Senate. It's time to bring democracy to the United States Senate. End the filibuster! End the blue slip system! Term limits for Senators are needed. End Congressional pensions!! People shouldn't go to Washington as a lifelong career choice. 

It's time to throw in the towel on professional politicians. It's time to stop letting Congress make the rules about what Congress can do. Isn't that the old wolf watching the hen house story?

Mercifully, we are down to the last couple of games in the NCAA basketball tournament. Or America's biggest gambling event, whichever you prefer. I will watch basketball when they move to basket to 12 feet high and they start calling "traveling" again. There are NFL running backs averaging fewer yards per carry than basketball players.

Got a Tale by the Tiger?

Tiger Woods has a new career that does NOT involve golf. Today he was named as the Chief Instructor at the Ted Kennedy School of Island Driving. Ted was the only guy to ever drive off that bridge on Chappaquiddick Island and only Tiger has ever rolled a car on that street on Jupiter Island.

We are starting a drive to help out Tiger. We are going to collect old prescription bottles, narcotics bottles are preferred, and send them to Tiger so he won't just have to throw his pills into his pants pockets. He looks like such an ordinary addict with the pills just tossed into his pockets. I can't believe that nobody told him about plastic bags. He's a billionaire and he can't come up with fake prescriptions to cover his ass when things go wrong? What's he doing with all of that money? Other than buying drugs, of course.

Tiger and his attorneys have asked for a jury trial. Shouldn't his attorneys have waited for him to sober up before making this decision? A guy with his driving record must have been stoned to make that decision. I am not going to wait for a jury of twelve Floridians to decide that they want to let a billionaire drive like a US Senator. It's not like this is his first accident. Of course, it wasn't Ted's either.

I don't know if putting your life into the hands of twelve jurors who might be old white people who are tennis fans will always work out for you. A bench trial would take a few days. A jury trial is probably going to take at least a week. The guy who wants to go out of the country for treatment because he wants privacy, wants a jury trial. Was he just too trashed to know what "jury trial" meant when they asked him? 

If Tiger had not had a great surgeon to take care of his mangled leg after his last accident a few years ago in California, he would have had someone else driving him the other day. I don't think that he even got a ticket for that wreck. Maybe medicine doesn't have all of the answers. They just fixed him up so that he could do it all again.

Will Tiger be the first guy on the Senior Tour to have a "Designated Driver"? 

By his own account, Tiger was driving down the road trying to adjust the radio and do something with his cell phone. There are no reports about how fast he was going, but I am pretty sure that data is in his car's computer waiting for the police to get a warrant to find it. Even without him admitting to being ripped, it's a bad case of misplaced priorities. It was a narrow road with a big pickup truck and a large trailer behind it. Check out the pictures.

You can bet your ass that we would have better information about the accident and better pictures of the scene if Tiger had wrecked his car in Polk County, where Sheriff Grady Judd runs the show. If you haven't heard of Grady, check with Mr. Google.

Here's a chance for the judicial system in Florida to show that they treat everyone fairly. If Tiger keeps his driver's license after this incident, there's no justice in Florida.

No Kings, No Brains, No Service, The Sequel

There were "No Kings" protests across the land yesterday. I am fascinated to learn that drag queens participate in "No Kings" rallies. Maybe it is time for a "No Queens" rally. That would just be for equality purposes. You know the old saying, "What's good for the gander is good for the goose?" Would a "No Queens" rally be some form of sexual discrimination? Before you answer, if you claim that it is sexual discrimination, then so is a "No Kings" rally. You just can't have it both ways.

We are apparently the only nation on earth where "kings" are elected. We are the only nation where "kings" can only serve two four-year terms. In the history of the nation, only two sons of Presidents were later elected President. That doesn't sound like the makings of any dynasty to me. 

Good news for the leftist nutcases out protesting on "No Kings" demonstration day. We do have "Kings" and "Queens" in the United States. Instead of Kings and Queens, we call them "federal judges".

Yes, I said that federal judges are kings and queens. Unlike Donald Trump and almost every other President, federal judges are not elected. They are selected, not elected. They hold lifetime terms. You can count the federal judges removed from office in the last 235 years on your two hands.  No taking off your shoes to count your toes is needed. We need to eliminate lifetime terms for federal judges. We need actual accountability for the job performances of federal judges.  

The problem is that Congress is going to have to change the law to end the tyranny of lifetime federal judges. The language in the Constitution is not specific enough for professional legislators and government administrators to understand. Federal Judgeships are established by Article III of the Constitution. It reads:

"The judicial Power of the United States, shall be vested in one supreme Court, and in such inferior Courts as the Congress may from time to time ordain and establish. The Judges, both of the supreme and inferior Courts, shall hold their Offices during good Behaviour, and shall, at stated Times, receive for their Services, a Compensation, which shall not be diminished during their Continuance in Office."

That has been interpreted to mean lifetime terms. Of course, that was interpreted by the people who had been appointed to be federal judges. There is something wrong with a system that allows those who serve to decide that they have lifetime jobs. There is certainly a case to be made that rulings that cause great cost and affect to the voters is not "good behaviour" I also don't think that partisanship is "good behaviour" in a judge charged with being non-partisan. 

Are dumbass, leftist American citizens and their illegal immigrant accomplices out marching, protesting, rioting and damaging property to end lifetime terms for federal judges? They call people who are elected very four years and cannot serve more than two terms "kings".  Some people are incredibly stupid or just professional troublemakers.

There are a few conclusions that one can draw from yesterday's events. The left values anger over reason. Common sense isn't. "Peaceful" protests aren't. "Hate" is not limited to one political viewpoint. People who don't obey the law want everyone else to obey the law. The hypocrisy of the left is absolutely breath taking.

The saddest part for me is that I grew up with a lot of those people who were out marching yesterday. Look at a lot of those people in the pictures. They aren't kids, they are old farts. They were all marching in the 1960's and the 1970's. That is all that they know how to do. They are pissed because Donald Trump, from their generation, sits in the White House after being elected twice. They had their chance to change the world and they failed. Now, they go march on Saturday while an illegal immigrant mows their lawn. And it makes them feel good. 

Saturday Morning Confusion, the Saga Continues

 Democrats are looking for a presidential candidate that their entire party can back. Call them if you are a transsexual, illegal immigrant of color with a minimum of thirty arrests in New York, Illinois, Minnesota or Washington, DC. If you have facial tattoos, it could put you over the top. Bonus points for being on multiple kinds of welfare programs.

Someone needs to teach Tiger Woods how to use a driver. Uber? Taxi? Limo? How many accidents do you have before it's time to turn in your driver's license and go to rehab? It's time, Tiger. People are saying now that he is the black John Daly!!

Tiger managed to roll his Land Rover in a 30 MPH zone. I am not going out on a limb here by suggesting that Tiger was speeding. That's a gimme!! This is his second arrest in Jupiter, Florida. Maybe he should move to a better neighborhood where people don't drive while under the influence of drugs. He passed the breathalyzer test but refused to provide a urine specimen for a test. This is his standard practice in his vehicle rollover incidents. Nothing screams, "I am on drugs" like refusing to be tested for drugs after rolling your SUV in a 30 MPH zone.

Maybe Tiger just does not understand the difference between golf and driving a car. In golf, they want to drive to the green. In driving cars, you want to stay on the blacktop and off of the green. Maybe if they painted the streets in Jupiter, Florida green, Tiger would stop wrecking his car.

Is Tiger the reason that the PGA doesn't let golfers drive golf carts in tournaments until they are on the Senior Tour? If he keeps this up, Tiger will be the first golfer on the Senior tour with a "designated driver".

The talking turds on television keep talking about all of the operations that Tiger has had over the years and how much pain he is in. Maybe it is just me, but if I made my living playing a sport that destroyed my health, I would consider other work. If he would give up the drugs, he probably has enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life, provided that he stops driving a car. Let's face it, Tiger lives in Florida. He could easily find some rich, old, ugly white woman to support his driving habit.

Today is the monthly "No Kings Rally" across the liberal cities in the country. If you want to start a riot at one of those rallies, take a large banner that says, "No king, but Jesus." You will clear that crowd in seconds. Liberals will run away from that message. 

An example of a king would be people who lost an election but think that they are still in charge of the country anyway. Chuck "The Schmuck" Schumer comes to mind for some reason. Chuck is a walking case for voluntary euthanasia. His House sidekick, Hockhim Jeffries, is in the same sinking boat with Chuck but doesn't know it. Hockhim is a graduate of the Gavin Newsome School of Speech. I have seen people using sign language who don't wave their hands and arms as much as Hockhim does while speaking. We could shut him up with a pair of handcuffs. One would think that with all of the liberals scattered across the country, the Democrats could get some leaders from outside of New York City. 

More than fifty years ago I spent several years working for Quick Foods in Florida. We were the Waffle House's largest franchisee. Chuck the Schmuck and Hockhim were representative of the Yankee scum that we dreaded seeing show up in Florida every winter. If I had a dollar for every time that I told some Yankee, "I don't give a rat's ass how you do it in New York!", I could have retired twenty years ago.

Not to ignore the Republicans side of politics, how about the charisma and leadership qualities of that John Thune guy? I wouldn't let him lead our dog out into the front yard to take a shit. Senate Republicans must have thought that politics had evolved into a basketball game. The thought process, if there was one, must have been something like, "Let's make the tall guy the leader." There are days that I find myself missing mindless Mitch McConnell.

Out of solidarity with other short guys, I am going to give Mike Johnson a pass in today's rant. I will catch you on another day, Mike.

Finally, Jimmy Kimmel is making fun of Markwayne Mullin for having owned and operated a plumbing business. Obviously, Kimmel is jealous of anyone who has had a real job. Kimmel's biggest concern about Mullin is that as a plumber, Mullin knows what a real piece of shit looks like and may flush Kimmel sometime soon.