Does not play well with others

The other night on my ride home I passed a local business that I had never noticed before. The sign read "Canine Enrichment Center" and on the side of the building was a reader board that said "Enhance your dog's socialization skills. Call ###-#### to schedule your dog's playtime". WOW, if only P.T. Barnum were alive today. I can hear him now, "There must be a bumper crop this year!! There must have been two suckers born every minute for this one to work."

I don't have any problem with people having their dogs trained, it makes perfect sense. But to schedule (and pay for) a time for your dog to play with other dogs so that he can "enhance his socialization skills" is just crazy. How much do you need to drink before that one makes sense? How many times did the people using this service vote for Al Gore? Al probably invented this "socialization skills" thing right after he created the Internet. I heard that he now claims he did it all in six days. He then created Sunday, so that he and Tipper could just hang out around the house one day to rest before saving the earth from the rest of us.

I thought about this whole "socialization skills" thing as I continued my ride home. About halfway home, I had a blinding flash of the obvious. I instantly understood why none of this makes sense to me.

"Gilbert does not play well with others." Somewhere in my mother's stuff is a stack of report cards and progress reports that all say pretty much the same thing, "does not play well with others". I have several employee reviews that tell the same story, "does not play well with others". Sure, the words are a little more sophisticated, "Gilbert needs to improve his interpersonal relationship skills" was my personal favorite piece of gibberish. Actually the king of inane comments belonged to a district manager who once wrote " Gilbert tends to be sarcastic." YOU THINK??? I guess pointing out that I was fat, white, and bald was not enough of a "gimme" for the boy.

A few years ago, my pilot buddy Ken, (who describes himself as my only friend) asked if I wanted to go bicycle riding one day. He was on an exercise kick at the time that lasted about 48 hours . I threw my $79 Sears bicycle in the truck and headed over to his place. When I got there , Ken came out in a pair of those "My name is Dork" bicycle shorts and matching helmet. He climbed onto his $1800, 24 speed, high performance bike and we headed off to Bur-Mil park. About 100 yards down the road, I realized that we were in trouble. At this point, Ken was about 25 yards behind me. On the two mile ride to the park, I stopped a few times to let him catch up. On one of these stops, he told me "I thought that we were going to ride together." "Sorry", I told him, "I can't keep my bike upright at that speed." Ken was passed TWICE by a woman in her 60's who was walking. When we finally arrived at the park, Ken flopped onto the grass to rest. I offered to ride back and get my truck to haul him back home. He declined, certain that I would tell the world the story, and he was right. Later that day, Ken came into the restaurant and told everyone his version. According to Ken, I should have a warning label that reads "Does Not Play Well with Others". Maybe he's right. You could get a similar opinion from the "leadership" at the Sons of Confederate Veterans, but that's another story for another day.

So for all you animal lovers who have endured the story this long, maybe the puppy socialization thing isn't all bad. Just don't expect your dog to help you and protect you. He will be too busy trying to get along with others.