Mr. Wizard explains "Conspiracy Theories"

A headline in The Greensboro News & Record today on a story from the Associated Press proclaimed that "slight hiccups" in the vote counting process is causing right wingers to start conspiracy theories. 

 First, anyone who calls the vote counting process in Arizona and Nevada a "slight hiccup" has never had the hiccups. This is not a hiccup; it's not even a belch, this is a world class cluster f*ck. In Arizona, they are telling us that they will finish by Monday. In Las Vegas they are taking bets on when the state of Nevada will finish counting.

So that the AP will not call me a "conspiracy theorist", let's start with a few facts.

Florida is the third most populous state in the Union. Arizona is ranked 14th in population. Florida had their results on Tuesday night. Arizona's results will be here on Monday. Nevada is ranked #32 in population among states. They still don't have their results either. What's taking so long?

In Maricopa County in Arizona, they ran out of printed ballots at one point. How do you do this? Was this some kind of Democratic Party money saving measure? Inquiring minds, which is everyone other than those schmucks who write for the Associated Press, want to know. Maybe the media gods, who circle the world using only their left wings, can find out and actually report that info to us. The state officials know how many people are registered. All you have to do is make at least that many ballots and add 10% or 20% for a safety margin. I am pretty sure that in the cost of holding a statewide election, copy paper is pretty far down the list of expenses. If you have a bunch left over, send them over to the schools for a civics lesson the day after the election.

In our county, I had a "hiccup" when I went to vote on Tuesday. The county marks off the area where there is no electioneering allowed. As my wife and I entered the area, a Democrat approached and handed me some brochures and implored us to vote for the leftist bastard Democrats that he was supporting. He may have described them a little differently than I did, but you have the picture. When my wife and I got back home, I told her that I was going to call the Elections office and complain about this violation. She told me not to bother.  She had seen the sheriff's deputy providing security at the polling place, go over to the gentleman in question and escort him off of the lot. If I had called the Associated Press, I could have been labeled a conspiracy theorist or an election denier. Missed my chance for glory!!

I don't want the federal government to run the elections process. First, that's unconstitutional. That's the state legislature's job. Second, everything the federal government touches turns to shit. So, let's wake up our state governments and let them know that in the age of high technology, six days is five days more than we should have to wait for election results.

In closing, here's a couple of pointers for the News & Record and the Associated Press. First, if you don't want people spreading "conspiracy theories", try spreading some facts. Maybe you could study the difference in processes in Florida from those in Arizona. Even better, you could explain why Florida had their U.S. Senate race settled on Tuesday and Nevada (ranked #32 in population) still doesn't have their ballots counted. Second, the people who read your swill are the ones paying you for it. Who ridicules their customers and expects their business to remain alive?  Maybe bankruptcy will just be a hiccup for you?