Thursday, November 22, 2007

Bah! Humbug!

Thanksgiving Day- The national tribute to gluttony. As I sit here having consumed my carb limit for the next week, I thought I would get caught up before Christmas.

If you think that people are in better moods with the holidays, you're wrong. The asshole count among customers jumps dramatically at this time of the year.

Listening to the radio the other day, I heard a spot about a local town having their "Holiday Festival Parade". I'm thinking that this is Politically Correct speech for "Christmas Parade".

Periodically at the restaurant, someone asks for plastic carryout utensils to use. These people are afraid that our silverware is not sanitary enough for them to use. Instead, they want to use plastic utensils made somewhere in China, packaged by people they will never see, in conditions uninspected by any health department, loaded into shipping containers, brought across the Pacific by ship, hauled across the country by truck, and then sold at the lowest price possible. If there's a God in heaven, there's lead in those plastic forks and spoons.

Even worse than the plastic utensil morons are the "hot water" morons. They ask for a cup of hot water to soak their silverware in before use. I once asked one of the "hot water morons" if they also did that at home before eating. She responded, "My silverware at home is more sanitary." I then asked her if she pre-soaked her silverware at home, what the temperature and duration of both the wash and rinse cycles were, and how often she checked the strength of the sanitizing solution. Unable to answer any of my questions, I explained that we were required to do all of those things. My offer to send a health inspector over to her home to check her procedures went unanswered, if you don't count the grunt and the waving of her middle finger.

At the monthly meeting of the Chapman Society the other night, we had a "show and tell" program. We all brought items and stories to share. I took some bayonets and an aircraft urinal. Yes, an aircraft urinal. It was the only one in the room.

The price of gas has dropped a few cents in the last week. Apparently oil companies are finding that $3 a gallon is the point at which motorists begin cutting usage. It takes more than a little K-Y jelly on the nozzle to keep filling up at that price.

If you don't believe that Barnum could see into the future, check out the time the mall in your town is opening on Friday. Four Seasons Town Center in Greensboro is opening at 1:00 A.M. Last year, someone told me that they were in line outside a store at 3:00 A.M. waiting for some "great deal". I explained that I wouldn't get into a line at 3:00 A.M. if they were giving away blowjobs.

Wal-Mart is running TV ads tonight about how they will be opening "extra cash register lines" for the big shopping weekend. What's the big deal about opening a couple of more lines where you check out your own stuff? The local Wal-Marts have about 30 cash registers but only open 2 or 3. Why buy registers that you won't hire a cashier to operate? It really doesn't matter, I'm not going to Wally World anyway.


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