Monday, April 24, 2006

Reade Seligmann- Twins? Or the longest schlong in Durham??

Unless you have been in Aruba the last month, you should know who Reade Seligmann is. Reade is one of the two Duke lacrosse players indicted for the rape of a stripper. However, now some new facts have come to light in the case.

It seems that at the same time the stripper charges that Seligmann was raping and abusing her, he was on the cell phone, in a taxi, withdrawing money at an ATM, buying some fast food, and going to his dorm room. How could all of this be true??

The easy, yet outrageous explanation is that the stripper and Reade Seligmann are in a parallel universe not subject to the laws of physics that we deal with here . Then again, maybe Seligmann has an evil twin brother who does all the bad stuff in his life.

Let's consider some other possibilities. Maybe the lineup that the police put together is flawed. Maybe the stripper is just wrong. Maybe, she's just a liar. Any of these are possible, but I have a few other theories.

Seligmann is alleged to have made a couple of cell phone calls during the time that the girl was being kidnapped, abused, and raped in a bathroom barely big enough to sit in. Even for a Duke student with their reputation for arrogance, what kind of sociopath stops during a rape to make a phone call?? I can hear it now, "Bet y'all can't guess what I'm doing now!" or if he had a camera phone, the famous "Watch this!!". Wait a minute! Seligmann is from New York. It would have to be "I'll bet that youse guys can't guess what I'm doing!"

But from the Big John Holmes, Johnny Wadd, Long Dong Silver School of Thought comes the winning theory. It's simple, Seligmann has the longest schlong in all of Durham. Forget what you've heard about men of color. Seligmann is long enough to rape a girl from a cab going away from the scene, long enough to reach 610 Buchanan from the ATM machine. Hey Reade!! Give up lacrosse!! Get into porno movies now!! At least you won't have to spend $800 to see a couple of girls take off their clothes.

Coming Soon!!
Calling Barney Fife!!! The Durham Police put out a call for professional law enforcement help. Also, Is Mike Nifong the biggest prostitute in Durham?? Does the DA even know a good lawyer??


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