Valentine's Day

I was watching "Frasier" on television last night when  a heart appeared on the screen with the message that read "12 Days until Valentine's Day." Yes, it was on the Hallmark Channel. Coincidence? Of course not.

Valentine's Day? The skeptical among us believe that Valentine's Day is a contrived holiday controlled by a group of candy and card manufacturers. Wait! Let's not leave out the florists and the flower farmers. Then throw in the restaurant owners to round out the controlling syndicate.

I almost left the jewelry stores out of the picture. Schiffman's in Greensboro is including chocolates with some purchases. It wouldn't work for me. I would buy the earrings and then eat the chocolates before I got out of the parking lot. Sorry about the candy, Honey.

Valentine's Day serves to fill the gap between Christmas and Easter. If you're a sports fan, it's kind of like the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. That issue serves to fill the space between the Super Bowl and the NCAA basketball tournament.

Hold on!! I left the lingerie manufacturers out of the syndicate controlling Valentine's Day. For places like Victoria's Secret it must be like Christmas! I still believe that most of the lingerie sold for Valentine's Day is either not worn or only worn once. Like a lot of things, maybe once is enough. There's a business that someone should explore, lingerie rental. It should be like tuxedos for weddings. You could have a 24 hour lingerie store and rent it by the hour. I can see it now, "No time to cuddle, Honey. I have to get this back to the lingerie store before I get charged for another day (hour?)".

I guess that only the deranged among us would notice this, but since Valentine's Day is a day dedicated to lovers, you want to make sure that you don't abbreviate it. I mean, who wants a card from your lover that says Happy V.D. That one's been waiting more than forty years to be in print. Some kid pointed that out in high school biology class.

Here's my favorite Valentine's Day story that does not involve me. A lady who used to come in at T&S for lunch with her husband told us several years ago about her Valentine's experience. Her husband came home from work and walked into the house carrying a little bag from Victoria's Secret and a card. He handed her the bag. She looked in it and saw a very small red outfit. He then started to hand her the card. She looked at him and said, "Darling, unless there's cash or a check in that card, you're going to look pretty funny in that little outfit."

If the lingerie and card is your plan, go to Friendly Center in Greensboro. The Hallmark shop is right next to the Victoria's Secret story. How convenient!! If you read the above story, there are several banks at Friendly where you can cash a check.

In the restaurant business Valentine's Day is a very good day. Even at T&S, we had a busy lunch and dinner business. The last couple of years, we even had a prime rib dinner special. Note to the fetching Mrs. Loman, I wouldn't look for that there this year.

I'm going out on a limb here, but I don't think that Valentine's Day is going to cause a surge in the military surplus business. Even in Reidsville, I can't picture some guy running in and telling me, "I need a camo shirt for my wife for Valentine's Day." The first guy who tells me that can have the shirt free!

By this point, you are probably thinking, "This guy hates Valentine's Day." You are wrong. I just needed to get all my whining done about the day. Valentine's Day has provided some of the best and worst experiences of my life. Deep inside, I'm really a romantic kind of guy.  I realize that for many reading this, I will have to provide references to prove that. Yes, I keep it pretty well hidden. So here are a few thoughts about Valentine's Day from a "romantic" guy.

I decided that I needed a Valentine's Day tie to wear this year. I went online to look for one. Since I am probably going to wear this to church, I avoided the tasteless (funny) ones. I found one with little hearts. It will probably be available at my store a couple of days after Valentine's Day. Shop early for next year!

For men everywhere, Valentine's Day is a reminder that we have inequitable relationships with those we love. If you're a woman reading this, hold your outrage for a minute. Women will tell you the same thing about their relationships with men. Let's just agree to disagree.

In regards to relationships, it is interesting to realize how things change over the years. With apologies to Abraham Maslow, our hierarchy of needs changes as we mature. Guys, there's an expiration date on the great sex thing. Great relationships involve sitting across the table at breakfast or dinner talking and laughing.

Unrequited love is an experience that is so common for men that it is almost a rite of passage. Valentine's Day is a stressful time for guys in that position. Like most other guys, I have been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. So if you are in that position, go ahead and send her something. What's the worst thing that will happen?

I have two great stories about Valentine's Day in my life. One story I have told  four people and only three of those are still alive. You're not going to hear that one. The other is entertaining and I have told about thirty people that story. You may have a chance of hearing that one. Don't bother e-mailing about these. There's no way that I will put either story online. You will need to hear it in person.

Here are a few practical notes. Make those dinner reservations now. If you haven't ordered flowers, get to a phone. If you are buying your sweetheart jewelry or candy at Wal-Mart, go ahead and put that sleeping bag on the couch. If you're hoping for great sex on Valentine's Day, one final thought, "Candy's dandy, but liquor's quicker!"

It's only eleven days until Valentine's Day. What will this year bring??