Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Random Thoughts in the New Year

I wanted to start 2011 right,so here it goes.

First item. Apparently in my previous post, I had some mature audience language. The Queen threatened, I believe the phrasing was, to "wash my computer out with soap". Memo to the Queen: You made your point. It's safe to read the rest of this one.

Early this morning, I received some bad news. Joel Fleishman, my friend and "Sarcasm and Insults Mentor" for the past twenty years has pancreatic cancer. Our prayers are with you, Joel.

We have a new puppy at home. I'll be honest, with sixty employees at work, I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to take on raising a dog. But as married men all know, this wasn't my decision to make. Life marches on.

How do I really feel about a new dog?? A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing the beginning of life. The Baptist says, "When that little baby comes kicking and screaming into this world, that is the beginning of life." The Catholic priest says, "No, life begins when the sperm fertilizes that egg in the mother's womb." The Jewish rabbi says, "You're both wrong. Life begins when the dog dies and the kids move away." What an insightful man!!

On days that I don't have to open the restaurant, I go out to run a little later. Today, I headed out at 4:45 AM. Why are roosters crowing at 5:00 AM if the sun comes up at 7:00AM? I'm guessing that they can't read a clock. Luckily for the owners of those roosters, I don't live next door.

From the "One born every minute" department comes this news. The maker of Balance Bands has admitted that there is no credible evidence that they work. I have a waiter, JoElle, who was trying to convince me on Sunday that I should try one. My first item from this post prevents me from giving you my exact quote, but it was a strong NO! Just when you start to lose hope, you realize there really is a sucker born every minute!!

This was my Sunday to attend church. I had worked late Saturday and got up early Sunday to run before work. When the sermon started, I realized that I was in serious danger of falling asleep. We were all saved (I have been told that I sometimes snore pretty loudly) when something the minister said caught my my attention and my brain sprang to life. I actually wrote a few notes on my bulletin. Looking over them later, here are a few of my favorites. "There is revival possible, even in this denomination." "Epiphany is more than a hard word to spell." But when he thundered, "I don't do New Year's resolutions", my first thought was' "Please don't tell me you read that on my blog!" He didn't. Dodged a bullet there! Good message, Jesse!!

Putting the ADHD to good use, I am watching the news on television while I eat breakfast and write this post. I just saw a commercial for a new show costarring Ed Asner. I think that it's called Working Class. Ed is political nutcase, but he's played several good roles. My favorite was a short-lived sitcom, Thunder Alley. His character's name was Gil Jones. When they started running commercials for Thunder Alley, I was deluged with phone calls from both of my friends.

A story on the news this morning is about a middle school teacher in Winston-Salem charged with having sex with 2 female students. Apparently, it was "consensual sex". Middle school students are in the 12 to 14 year old range, how can you have "consensual sex" with somebody that age?? Do you think that he discussed all of the possible side effects before having sex with them? Did he do some kind of risk vs. reward study before climbing into the sack with a child?? This is one of those days that you realize that all humans aren't worth keeping alive. Keeping my first item in this post in mind, allow me to phrase this delicately. If I were the father of either girl, I would take my Buck knife out and give this teacher the opportunity to hit the high notes in "The Star Spangled Banner". Not to mention the chance to see his "reproductive equipment" displayed hanging from the trailer hitch on my van.

Have a Happy New Year!!


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