Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Resolutions???

For the fortunate few of you who are at home and sober on New Year's Eve, I am going to share my views on New Year's resolutions.

First, I have never understood all the hoopla over the New Year. Let's face it, do we go out and party for a new month, a new week, a new day?? What's the big deal? It's going to happen again next year.

Next, how long do New Year's resolutions actually last? Here are some guidelines for longevity of resolutions. If you resolve to exercise more, you will have an Epiphany, January 6. If you resolve to diet, your resolution will last about 48 to 72 hours. Add 24 hours if you stayed home on New Year's Eve. If you resolve to improve your financial situation, that resolution is only good until your first payday of the year.

If after reading this incredibly profound advice, you still want to make New Year's resolutions, do one thing. Write them on either toilet tissue or Kleenex. That way you can get some use out of them. You can use them to either wipe your ass or blow your nose. If you have overdone it at the New Year's Eve party, you can blow your ass or wipe your nose. I don't care.

What's the historical basis for my dislike of New Year's resolutions?? Glad you asked! The last time that I wrote a New Year's resolution was December 31, 1977. Yes, thirty three years ago tonight. I had been dating a young woman for about two and a half years. Among the five resolutions I wrote that afternoon was one about marrying her. At about 6:30 that evening, as I was getting dressed to take her to dinner, the phone rang. When I answered, she started rambling on about the condition of our relationship. She suggested that we might need to start dating other people. Despite having more than an average amount of experience being dumped, I was a little slow that night. I asked, "Honey, exactly what are you trying to tell me?" Her response was simple, "I have a date with someone else tonight." By 6:40 I was sitting on my patio watching those resolutions burn. I haven't written a New Year's resolution since then. Mary, if you are reading this, thanks for saving me all the time and paper that I would have wasted on future resolutions.

Happy Saturday!!!!


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