Obituaries

Michael Jackson, the alleged "Queen of Pop", assumed room temperature on Thursday. Apparently the moonwalking pedophile suffered a massive heart attack. Mr. Jackson, who gave up being a young black man to become an ugly white woman, had reportedly made a career of singing "Beat It" to 12 year old boys. He was aided in this effort by parents who allowed their children to sleep at Jackson's home and took cash settlements in exchange. We used to call that "pimping", I'm not sure what it is called now. Millions of mindless fans are left to mourn the passing of the famed pervert.

Farrah Fawcett, owner of the nipples that stimulated a generation of young men, also passed away on Thursday. At one point, it was difficult to find the bedroom of a young man that did not have a Fawcett poster in it. Famous for her hair and body, there are reports that Farrah was also an actress.

Ed McMahon also died this week. Mom told me that if I couldn't say something nice, don't say anything. This is Ed's day, I'm taking that advice.

America is the land of relentless attempts at humor. Less than 24 hours after Ms. Fawcett died, I heard this one:
Farrah dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, they tell her that they will give her one wish. She says, " I just want all of the children in the world to be safe."
Twenty minutes later, Michael Jackson dies.