Friday, January 04, 2008

Breaking News!!! I-80 Shut down!

Interstate 80 in Iowa has been shut down this morning as a mob of loose hogs has filled the highway. Trampling campaign signs across the state, the herd of hogs, estimated to number more than two million by the Iowa Hogway Patrol, seems unable to determine their future direction. Analysts from all the major networks seem to agree that the hogs are simply reflecting the actions of their owners.

In Thursday's caucuses, Iowa Demoncrats overwhelmingly supported Obama, a man who many feel should be president because Oprah endorses him. Apparently this is enough for most Demoncrats. In related news, police have acknowledged that Miss Winfrey,the famed yo-yo dieter, billionairess, African schoolmarm, and the person most to blame for Dr. Phil (How's that working for you?)is being stalked by a candidate known only as Rudy. Rudy first came to Miss Winfrey's attention when he claimed "I took over a city that was known for pornography and licked it." Winfrey is reportedly uneasy about the sight of even a pseudo-Republican such as Rudy on her show. However, her aides are confident that if Rudy can prove the "I licked it" comment, he will be summoned by the TV queen for an audience, possibly an endorsement. Your reporter feels that this may involve more licking than even Rudy is capable of handling.

From the Repulsivecan side of the hog house comes word that Huck Finn is the big winner in Iowa. Apparently Iowans could not separate Romney, presidential candidate, from Romney, the automatic feeder used in most hog parlors. Rudy, John, Fred, and others are reportedly snowed in at an American Legion Post somewhere in Iowa shaking babies and kissing the hands of ugly women. No word on their survival outlook.

Back to the hogs, dawg! (It's American Idle season, again.) The herd o'hogs is torn between heading to Illinois to follow Obama or to Arkansas with Huck Finn. It is too early to call, but the road to Arkansas, where hogs are worshipped at the University of Arkansas seems the likely path. To head to Illinois and the Chicago Board of Trade would seem unlikely. That herd would almost certainly end up before a federal grand jury for insider trading in pork bellies.

Maybe the Hampshires among the hogs will head to New Hampshire???


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