Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The ghost of Christmas past?

Well, Christmas is officially over. I have taken the antlers and red nose off the minivan. I have put away my talking turkey hat. Talking turkey hat? Yes, it gobbles, plays "Turkey in the straw" and wiggles its drumsticks. It's one of those love it or hate it things. I have also shelved my reindeer hat with the moving antlers that plays "Grandma got run over by a reindeer". I think that my Santa hat is on the way to Montana. I gave that to a deserving six year old girl one morning at the restaurant who appreciated my sense of humor. There aren't many women like that! She gave me a Christmas card drawn on one of our napkins. What a deal!!

I am sending my collection of Christmas ties to the cleaners today. It took a week to for me to wear them all to work and church. Opinions are divided about which tie is the tackiest. I'm not concerned.

The tackiest Christmas card that I gave out went to my fashion consultant. On the outside of the card was a picture of Santa on a roof preparing to lob a Molotov cocktail down the chimney. Inside the card it read, "Good...........Bad, I don't give a (crap?)". I loved that card!!

My older son gave me a "grandfather" clock. I am not feeling good this week, so he will have to wait to get his butt kicked for that one! He did have "Grand-Gil" on my stocking, so I can't be too mad.

My younger son got me one of those Craftsman power hammers. Now, I am a man in search of nails to drive. There are a couple of employees and a box of 10 penny nails that I would like to try that hammer out on.

I received a few gift cards fom Lowes. Gift cards are handy. They eliminate that awkward moment when I open some tool gift and realize that I already have at least one of those. That's okay, a guy who owns as many tools as I do isn't afraid of having more than one of something.

I used one of those cards before Christmas. I bought a bunch of smaller items. My favorite is the camouflage tape measure. Every real man needs one of those. You know that I will never be able to find that thing!  In January I took a camo cap off at my surplus store and still haven't found it. I guess that I sold it one day.

I received the usual assortment of screwdrivers and flashlights. You can't have too many screwdrivers and I have hundreds. Yes, hundreds. There are a bunch of different sizes and styles. I have screwdrivers that light, screwdrivers that flex, insulated screwdrivers and a few screwdrivers big enough to use as weapons. I don't have as many flashlights as screwdrivers, but it's close. A few years ago William gave me a work light for Christmas. It is huge! The label on the box said "We have harnessed the sun". It is 15 million candlepower. It's a little brighter than the light on a locomotive.

At the restaurant, customers and employees bring food in for Christmas. Susan E. bakes chocolate chip cookies. These cookies are huge, they are as big as scones. But they are good!  It takes me about a quart of milk to eat two of those things. Thanks, Susan. Among others who had some Christmas mission of fattening me up were Talmage, Susan A. (Yes, I live in a life filled with Susans), Cindy, Jeff, Shaun and his wife (Name?), Peggy and Bobby. Peggy is a customer who makes the BEST lemon bars! Just in case I didn't have enough treats before Christmas, The Queen brought a couple of pieces of cake by yesterday. Thank you!!

At home I make a maple pumpkin cheesecake for Christmas. For Thanksgiving, I had made two. One went to Walter and Brittany, the other stayed home. One was plenty for Christmas. I finished off the last sliver the morning after Christmas. Cheesecake for breakfast? Do you think that I got to be this size on bran flakes??

I bought our new granddaughter Alice a pink sled for Christmas. Yes, I realize that she's only two weeks old. Why wait until the last minute??

I have been told that Epiphany marks the end of the Christmas season. If I am waiting for Three Wise Men to come through the door at work, it's never going to end.

The ghost of Christmas past? For Christmas in 1976, my girlfriend at the time gave me clothes. Three pairs of pants. They were red, yellow and green. There were also matching shirts.Was I surprised? I would have had to been hooked up to jumper cables to be any more shocked.  I realize that it was stylish at the time and it was in Florida, but it was still horrible. I had to wear a pair of yellow pants to dinner at a friend's home that Christmas night. I think that I'm still traumatized. Maybe that explains the plaid thing!!


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