Pardona-palooza

 Pardon me miss, but I have never done this, with a real, live girl. Wait!! Wrong topic.

Scranton Joe, the Dean of Dementia, is burning up the copy machines at the White House with his flurry of last-minute pardons. A few hours ago, he commuted the sentences of about 2500 people charged with nonviolent drug crimes. No criteria were released about how "non-violent" was defined.

I called the White House earlier today and entered my name in the pardon lottery. I had a couple of speeding tickets in 1975 that I would like to have expunged. I talked to some woman named Jen. and she told me that they would circle back to me before noon on Monday. I told her that a pardon would help Dims get the fat old white guy vote in 2028. She sounded a little skeptical. Actually, she was almost decidedly unimpressed.

Who will Biden pardon next? There is talk of pre-emptive pardons for some political figures. Liz Cheney, Nancy Pelosi, Benny Thompson and every other Democrat in Congress will probably be pardoned. KJP, the chick with the Jiffy Pop hair is reportedly high on the pardon list. 

There are a few "locks" for a pardon. In this group are people like his brother James Biden, First Loser Jill Biden and all of his grandchildren who had a bank account filled with money from China. Hunter wants everyone who bought his "art" pardoned. That's two more people, at the most.

Will Hunter's Sugar Daddy, Kevin Morris be pardoned? He loaned Hunter more than $6.5 million and bought a lot of his artwork. There's got to be a crime involved somewhere in all of that.

Alejandro Mayorkas over at Homeland Security and all of his management team, Chris Wray, Merrick Garland and everyone on the staff at the Department of Injustice are also shoo-ins for the pardona-paloooza prize winner list. They have to pardon anyone from an FBI SWAT team who shot an innocent person.

Here's the favorite pardon recipient that Democrats will never mention. It's Lt. William Byrd who shot and killed Ashli Babbitt. Babbitt was the only person killed at the Capitol on January 6. All other claims are false. Biden will pardon Byrd.

Finally, Joe is going to pardon his dog, Major. Major was blamed for taking a shit on the White House carpet in a hall. Joe will finally admit that he took the shit on the carpet and blamed the dog. Major is reportedly pleased that he is receiving a pardon and will be allowed inside the house again. Jill is going to make Joe stay outside.